Run over by a Truck

Nobody was actually run over by a truck this week (thank goodness) but I sure as hell feel like it.  After several weeks of being told Donald would have training to go to, he was handed a training rip at work.  So for 6 weeks from the end of May to June he'll be in Georgia.  Not a big deal normally, but now it has a large impact on how much work I can get done.


We were also informed that our NM house is sucking more money out of us.  The stove needed $230 worth of repair from damage (they think mice did it) and then the damn water heater died.  That cost $724 all by itself.  So almost another 1K in damage in one week.  I'm so not happy with that damn house.  But....at least these repairs had nothing to do with the asshat tenants who wrecked the place.  There's horrible mineral amounts in the water in Alamagordo, NM that wreck everything, so no surprise on the water heater.


I get the super fun job of talking to my current babysitter and basically telling her that I'm going to have to start looking for another sitter on Tuesday.  It kind of sucks because I like her and my kids love her.  But the problem is she brings her kids sometimes when she watches my kids....and if my kids are sick she doesn't want to watch them.  Now when I say sick I mean a cold or stomach bug...nothing serious.  This bugs the shit out of me because I've let her bring her kids to my house when they're sick because a simple bug doesn't bother me.  But I can't have a sitter who doesn't want to come over because she MIGHT get her kids sick.  I have a limited amount of time to get the hours needed for my degree and if I don't get them because my sitter doesn't want to watch kids that might make her kids sick, then I don't get my degree.  And that's not acceptable.  So....be the bad mom who gets to talk to the sitter.  Yay.


I missed my phone supervision session because my school supervisor had to switch the days and I got confused.  Had to leave my site early on Tuesday because of the whole babysitter thing.  Missed seeing clients on Tuesday which I hate because I feel like I should be there.  Donald was late man on Friday which means he goes in around 8 pm and gets home at O'dark thirty.  Only when he got home around 3 am he got a phone call from work at 8:30 am because they're apparently unable to look at their schedule.  And last night Dare ran a fever.


So yeah...it's been that kind of week.  I'm hoping next week will be a lot less chaotic and maybe even a harbinger of good news. 

Frazzled

The last couple of week have really worn on me.  I've been juggling the full-time mom role with the practicum student role and haven't really had the chance to fully go from one to the other.  Internship is just looming around the corner and I don't know if I'm mentally prepared for it.  My youngest child is turning 3 next month and I keep wondering how he got to be so big.  Donald may or may not be going to 6 weeks of training (thanks Air Force for the hurry up and wait training) and so I feel like I'm sitting in a big river with lots of broken pieces of Arctic ice floating around me and I don't know which direction to take.  At the end of the river is a waterfall creeping ever closer, so the decision making will have to kick in soon.  But for now I just don't know what, if anything, I can do.  And I don't like it one bit.

Reflections on The Hunger Games & The Hollows (parts 1 & 2)

This is a new one for me, but I've been thinking about blogging about books I've read that had enough of an affect on me that I think of them long after they were read.  So...here goes.


So this post is going to be about three different books:  The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, Hollowland, by Amanda Hocking, and Hollowmen also by Amanda Hocking.  And I have to say first and foremost that these two ladies wrote extraordinary stories.  Their writing style is extremely engaging and I will be reading more of their books.  But these three books were very dystopian and at times hard for me to read.  So I thought maybe I should explore that because obviously I was reacting to something in these books.


Spoilers will follow so if you haven't read these and want to, you might want to stop reading.


I read Hollowland first and absolutely loved it.  Remy is the heroine in a post-apocalyptic version of our world.  She kicks much ass and I loved her from the very first chapter.  Zombies have over-run all major cities and humanity is definitely on the losing end of a war with the undead.  Which were created based on a virus...I don't think it ever quite says whether or not that virus was created by humans, but please chime in on that one if it did.  Anyhow...the entire premise of the book is that Remy is trying to find her brother Max who is immune to the virus.  During the journey from point A to point B, Remy picks up a crew of sorts who follow her across the country.  Mostly she ends up protecting all of them from zombies b/c none of them are really any good at fighting zombies.  And she also picks up a somewhat domesticated lioness (around the Las Vegas area, so presumably one of the cats from the MGM Grand) on the trip, which is awesome because animals are immune to the virus and because I LOVE big cats.  


Eventually Remy & crew reach a compound set up by the military (because only the military is really ready for a zombie apocalypse.  No really, I'm serious.) and Remy discovers that she is also immune to the zombie virus.  Which means that she gets to trade her freedom to get her brother Max out of the doctors' experiments which are being performed on the little guy non-stop and practically killing him.  Oh yeah, and there's a romance between her & one of the guys she has to constantly protect from zombies while crossing the country.  This book was very high energy and even though it was dystopian I could not put it down.  I couldn't wait for the second book in the series....but it wasn't out yet so I had to.


Leading into the Hunger Games I knew absolutely NOTHING about the premise of this book.  I was actually looking for something light to read when I started it.  :-/  So....the premise of this whole world that Collins created is that the Capital (please forgive me if I get parts of this wrong...it's been a few months since I read it) is the ruling power amid several "districts" that it controls.  It enforces that control by choosing 2 children each year from those 12 districts.  These children (who must be one male, one female from each district under the age of 14) are forced to fight.  To the death.  And it's televised for everyone to see.


I don't think there's any way I COULDN'T have a reaction to this premise.  I understand that Collins writes her tales to get people to understand the effect that war has on children.  I even applaud that effort and it was my own fault for not reading what the story was about before I started it.  But Oh My Gods....it was horrible.  Staggeringly horrible to see what Katniss had to do to protect her family and then just to survive to get back to them.  I had dreams about this book for two weeks after I finished it.  The somewhat humorous thing about it was the dreams blended into the previous book in this post.  So I'd be having dreams about people who had to round up people who had been bitten by zombies and hadn't turned yet, but most certainly would & basically take them to interment camps where they could become ravaging monsters.  


There is a movie coming out based on The Hunger Games and I can't really believe that everything in the book is going to go into the movie.  Because it would end up being NC-17 or some rating higher than R....at least I think it would be.  And if the movie wants to stick with the targeted young adult audience I just don't see how it's possible to portray everything in the book.


Moving on to Hollowmen.  I was really looking forward to the energy from the previous book and it JUST WASN'T THERE.  It was almost like once Remy busted out and found Max she didn't know what to do.  And really, I can't blame her.  Every single person she grew close to in the first book died.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON.  With the exception of her "romance" who took off and left her.  Now there's a very plausible explanation as to why he took off and left her.  And in all honesty I think the guy she meets in Hollowmen is a much better fit for her because he can take care of himself and she won't always have to save his butt.  (It is a zombie apocalypse after all - you're going to want to be with someone who can watch your back.)  But it was so depressing I almost couldn't get through it.  At least both of the kids survived, but I seriously doubt that Serg, Stella, and possibly Boden will live to meet the end of the third book.  If there is a third book - I'm assuming there will be because Hocking tends to write in trilogies.  


I haven't had any dreams about Hollowmen.  Maybe by the time I read this one my brain had worked out all the issues it had with the other two.  I think the finality of the last book had such an impact on me that my brain can't see any other way for the series to end than the zombies kill everybody.  Maybe I should be more disturbed that I'm not dreaming about that...I don't know.  But one thing that book did accomplish...it made me feel hollow.  Just like the title...so I have to wonder if that's what Hocking intended.

Double Peanut Butter Cookies

This is a recipe I meant to make over the Thanksgiving/Yule/Christmas time frame, but it didn't happen.  Cuz that whole holiday typhoon doesn't leave a whole lot of time.  So I'm making Donald these cookies for Valentine's Day since we're on a very fixed budget (thanks to the asshat who trashed out rental home in NM & made us use the money in our savings account to fix it up again.)  I've never been the whole "I love Valentine's Day" girl...in fact I'm pretty much anti-V day because it's just about making money for corporations.  But hey, I can still bake the cookies LOL


Side note:  this is a fairly small recipe, so feel free to double it for a larger batch.


1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup Creamy Peanut Butter (not low fat)
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup Reese's Peanut Butter chips


Heat oven to 350 degrees.


Beat butter, sugar, & peanut butter in large bowl until creamy.  Add egg & vanilla; beat well.  Stir together flour, baking soda, & salt.  Gradually add to butter mixture, beating until well blended.  Stir in peanut butter chips.  Drop by 1/4 cupfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet, 6 cookies per sheet.  (I make my cookies smaller b/c my kids don't need a HUGE cookie like that.  And I use parchment paper, but YMMV.)


Bake 12 - 16 minutes or until lightly browned around the edges.  Cool 1 minute, remove to finish cooling on wire rack.  Makes about a dozen HUGE cookies.

Echoes of the Past

Something happened this week to remind me that no matter how much we think we've put our past behind us, if it's something traumatic it just doesn't go away on its own.  A bit of  back story needs to come into play here so I can loop all of what happened together.  So, here's the bit from the past:


Back in the day when I was still seeing my wonderful counselor Dr. B (which you can read about here) I decided the best course of action was to engage the Borg Queen & try to set some boundaries as I felt my marriage was going down the toilet.  (This was before I knew anything at all about narcissistic personality disorder & its associated fun.)  I informed Donald (code name for my husband) I was going to start writing letters to the BQ in order to try to clear up some of our gunk.  Donald thought this was a terrific idea.  So in my INFJ (my Myer's Brigss type) way, I wrote to the BQ and tried to explain what I thought was appropriate and wasn't appropriate for her role in my daughter's life.  Letters went back and forth for about a month and a half.  The gist of the letters ended up being because I was trying to set boundaries the BQ felt attacked, but she didn't think she had to change anything about what she had done in the first place.  Which basically defeated the point of the letters.  *Sigh*


So after one of the times the BQ came out to our house in New Mexico for a visit (which really needs a blog post all of its very own that I may write tomorrow)  Donald gets a phone call in which the BQ informs him that she wants me to have a phone teleconference with her & her therapist.  This sent up warning signals for me because it only fed into the whole "she was right I was wrong" thing.  So I asked Dr. B about it....and I asked him if he would feel comfortable with me bringing her in for a counseling session with me so we could try to has some of this stuff out.  His immediate response after telling me I was probably right to think a teleconference would not really help was "What does she want from this?"  I honestly didn't know.  But I was curious to see what a counselor who had never met her would think of our interactions.  Because I was starting to believe that just maybe....the problem wasn't so much our interactions but her unrealistic expectations.


The joint counseling appointment was agreed to for the next time the BQ came out.  I became immediately aware to me that the BQ fully expected the counselor to side with her on a professional level.  Upon meeting Dr. B she introduced herself with her name, LCSW.  Which immediately clued me in that she was going to try to pull professional rank on me.  I won't get into the details of the session, except to say that the entire thing had me almost in a panic attack & absolutely nothing was accomplished.  Except to let me know that the BQ indeed felt I was to blame for every problem with our relationship and she had absolutely nothing to change in her behavior.  (To put a somewhat positive spin on it, Dr. B was not taken in with her professional title & even said at a later point that she shouldn't be licensed to counsel.  I have thus far kept myself out of the same professional circles as the BQ & endeavor to keep it that way.)


Anyhow, during this entire period when I was actively trying to work with the BQ, I would feel panic attacks coming on.  Part of me could feel that I was having to part with my sense of self to satisfy the BQ, Donald, and the rest of that dysfunctional family.  And that part of me was reacting by causing panic attacks.  Eventually I just told Donald that he was just going to have to deal with the BQ & I not getting along or spending time together.  And the panic attacks lessened considerable.


Fast forward to this week.  Six years into the future and an echo of those panic attacks resurfaced unexpectedly when I saw an argument.  It was the strangest thing.  Not a true panic attack, but a shadow of one.  I felt my breathing change and a very small sense of panic begin and literally thought "What the hell is this?"  Because the panic wasn't mine in that moment I was able to breathe past it.  But it did remind me that the panic is there, beneath the surface.  It's there to remind me NOT to lose myself ever again.  And to help me empathize with people who are scared, and anxious, and frustrated, and just trying to get on with their lives.  


I've been there.  And I survived it....and maybe I can even help some other people find themselves again.  Because becoming lost inside yourself is the scariest thing I've ever faced.

Riding the Wave of Change

I knew that beginning practicum was going to be a big change for our household.  But I hadn't really factored in that my husband's shift change from day shift to swing shift was also going to be a change.  So I guess I shouldn't have been so very surprised when Lightning started having a very hard time falling asleep the week I started practicum.  Lightning has always had a harder time adjusting to changes than Bess and Dare - it's just part of his personality.  But for some reason it just didn't occur to me that my darling son would possibly get himself so riled up that he wouldn't let his younger brother sleep, either.  


We're now in my husband's third week of swing shift and my second week of practicum where I work Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Thanks to Sittercity I was able to find a nanny who would watch the kids for me between the time when their dad (who I'm going to start calling Donald so I don't have to keep typing my husband) leaves for work and the time I get home.  So while it is still a very big change, I've done what I can to smooth it over for them.  


I have a feeling we'll be in for some more issues before we're all adjusted to these changes, but when you're a military family you learn to either ride that changing wave or sink underneath the waves.  And we'd much rather surf than sink ;-)

What Santa Claus means to me

   Something I've learned in my 35 years is that lots of times I don't really make sense.  I say this because I hate Winter with a blinding passion.  But....I really love Santa Claus.  And in American culture you can't really have one without the other.  But it's not so much the current identity of Santa Claus that I love because he has unfortunately become intertwined with commercialism.  You really have to go back to some of the origins of Santa Claus to get why I love him so much....

   And because I love mythology and fairy tales so much, I went and found a couple of internet pages on the origins of Mr. Claus himself.  One is here and another with lots of information on different cultural interpretations of Father Christmas is here.

   In keeping with these mythologies of Santa Claus, I really and truly see the spirit of Santa Claus in those who do good for others.  Just for the good of doing it and for no other reason.  In our culture it really saddens me that so many kids have developed such big expectations for expensive gifts.  Don't get me wrong, I understand why kids want the good stuff because hey, I as a parent would love the good stuff too.  But...most of the time we don't get all the expensive stuff because we just can't.  And during the years when we have extra money I always try to get a little something extra for friends who don't have as much as we do.  Or donate to local charities for kids whose families' can't get them stuff.  

   So when the time comes for me to have the talk about Santa Claus with my kiddos, that's what I'm going to tell them.  Because I do believe Santa is still alive and well for some of us.  I believe that small miracles can happen when you least expect them and that Santa is a great mythological story that helps keep those small miracles alive.  

   But I'm always going to hate Winter LOL

P.S.  I had to post this because LOOK it's Santa Claus in action!!!