The one where you find out you have skin cancer

I'm very proud of my cultural heritage and it always amuses me a bit when people are surprised I don't consider myself just 'White'.  The bulk of my heritage is Irish, Italian, and Native American and while I think the only thing I inherited from my Native ancestry are my cheekbones, it's still very much part of me.  Because I got the Irish skin I've always been very careful with it - it rarely tans and often burns.  As a child I broke into awful rashes in the summer that the local doctors could never figure out and finally just said I had an allergy to the sun.  Because of this I've always slathered myself (and the kids now, as well) with sunscreen and taken very good care of my skin.  But...you can't really put sunscreen on your eyelid cuz it burns when it gets into your eye.  So it figures the one place I couldn't put sunscreen on would be the place I end up getting skin cancer.  

I had a sty like mass removed from my eye last month because the thing just would not go away on its own.  Got the phone call yesterday from the very nice ophthalmologist who removed it that it was in face, caner.  Nodular basal cell carcinoma to get technical.  I've been looking around online to see what I can find out about it and the good news is most bcc is rather easy to remove.  The crappier thing in my case is I had this thing for probably a good 3 years because I kept getting told it was a sty.  So I get to go see a dermatologist (which isn't a bad idea because I have a ton of moles) as well as a specialist who will perform MOHS micrographically controlled surgery on the remainder of the nbcc because unfortunately when the bulk was taken off they didn't get it all.  As long as the bcc hasn't gone back too far I should be fine and this should be a relatively non-invasive experience.  

I've been reminding myself since last Thursday that the world doesn't stop just because you've been told you have cancer.  Nature is always able to recover after natural disasters and I'm looking at this in much the same way.  Just because I got some shitty news doesn't mean I get to go hide in a hole and if my seasonal depression hasn't put me in that hole yet, this sure as hell isn't going to.  But it is a bit frightening because I've been telling the doctors for at least as long as I've had that thing that I'm just so tired...my energy level has plummeted from what it used to be.  And I have no idea if it's from this cancer, or a combination of both it and the L5 radiculopathy that's been continuously eating away at my leg muscles.  Advocating for health used to be something I only had to do for my kids, but for the last few years it seems more and more like I'm doing nothing but this for my own health.  And military health care is not an easy beast to deal with.  It's almost impossible to find an actual doctor (not a PA) who doesn't changes duty stations within 3 years.  I'm beginning to think I just need to get my care switched to the civilian sector so that I have the continuity of the same health care provider instead of having to constantly explain this to every new doctor I get assigned to.

Anyhow, life will continue.  The kids will keep growing, I will finish my degree, the world will keep on turning, and eventually this will be something I can look back on with appreciation for the experience it gave me.  But for now I just want to get through it.  And I'm not going to hide from the sun because that's no way to live.  Just keep on applying that sunscreen and enjoy the time that I have because no one lives forever and no one should.  We all get one life and we just have to make the best of it.  So that's the game plan.  I'll update my blog about this occasionally, but it's not going to overtake my life.  If anything, it will make me even more determined to enjoy what I have.  So I'll be over here doing the self-care thing while the world keeps turning.  And eagerly awaiting the end of Winter.

Surviving Thanksgiving

Okay so Thanksgiving is never super duper fun for me because in the back of my mind there is always but this is about the massacre of an indigenous culture not happy Euro Americans stuffing their faces and it bugs me that other people don't really get that.  But.  This year we decided to go to Donald's aunt and uncle's house for the dreaded Turkey feast.  Cuz it would be less stressful and junk.  For the love of any God somebody please remind me that going somewhere for Thanksgiving is never EVER a good a idea.  Yeah that didn't work so much.

So....it took us six bloody hours to get to the bloody location of the Turkey feast.  Traffic out of Hampton Roads was never this bad when we were hurri-vacing, but it was awful for Thanksgiving.  By the time we finally arrived at our destination we were all too tired to do more than mumble a few words at the relatives and head off to bed.  The next day was the feast itself and we knew that Donald's mother the Sideline Narcissist for anyone who doesn't ever look at all this crap I write  would be there that day.  What we didn't know was that she was staying.  The Entire.  Time.  Really I should have just run into traffic at that point.  The fam would have the insureance money and I'd be out of my holiday misery.  But I digress.  What we also didn't know was that ten other people would be crowding into the house for the roast beast.  Now, anyone who knows anything about Introverts realizes what a problem this is.  We're basically talking Introvert Hell here people.  It was terrible.  Went down into the basement to hide out and breathe for as long as I felt I could without being rude as all get out.  Managed to choke down some of the roast beast and other food type things.  Two hours later when all the extra people had gone away oh look the air really did clear out because I could breathe again I think someone mentioned the N was staying.  This was when I really wanted to walk out into traffic.  I didn't, obviously.  But....the dread and anxiety of the whole visit made the traffic on Sunday really not that bad.

So anyway I did all I could to not be miserable.  Used the SAD light, took the Vitamin D3, and tried to be as social as I could.  Then Bess and I got sick.  Yep.  Stomach bugs are the Devil.

And it was all very uncomfortable as the N would do her passive aggressive thing always when Donald wasn't around and there I was in a house not my own thinking well shit.  If I call her on this crap then I'm going to be starting something with her in their house and they think of her as their sister and aren't I just fucked right now?  So.  Again.  For future reference journeying to a family member's home for celebrating the end of indigenous culture day is just the worst idea ever.

There was an incident with Bess and the N that I didn't realize had happened until later.  Bess found out the N had recorded her after telling her that she wasn't recording her.  So...the N violated her personal boundaries by doing this without her permission.  Bess was very worried that the N would post said video taken very much without consent on Facebook.  So as she's freaking out about that at home she asks if Donald or I should address the issue.  My answer ended up being well she cares more about her relationship with you than with me, and Dad's asleep right now so why don't you just text her?  Tell her what you told me.

So Bess did that and stood up for herself and got the whole mess sorted.  But.  She also now knows that her Grandmother will willingly lie to her.  And I expect will probably lie to her again.  So that relationship is now in the N's hands because Bess won't put up with tactics such as those.  I've taught her over the years that manipulations such as those only hurt her and they're not worth her time.  It will be very interesting to see how that all plays out.

Now if I can just get through this coming weekend when the N is coming out to give the kids their Christmas gifts.  Thankfully I'll have lots of studying to do.  At Starbucks.  

Tis the Season/Holiday Death Spiral

Some good news to share, finally!  I bought a Suntouch Plus light therapy lamp by Naturebright to help with my Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Cuz going to bed at 7 pm is just not cutting it.  That and I'm tired of being tired all November through March.  This particular light comes with an ionizer if you buy the separate attachment, which I didn't.  Here is information on the model I bought if anyone is interested.  It's a small, portable lamp and was under $100 which fit better into our budget.  I've been using it for a little over a week now and damn....I wish I'd bought this thing 3 years ago when my SAD first started getting bad.  The energy boost is amazing and even though the depression doesn't go away, it does become more manageable.  I also take a Vitamin D3 supplement, which helps, but this light has made a HUGE difference in a very positive way.  One note of caution:  light therapy lamps should not be used by anyone with bipolar disorder.

Other good news:  we are finally supposedly anyway done with the home in New Mexico.  I heard from my Dept. of Veterans Affairs case manager that Carrington Mortgages officially signed off the deed-in-lieu for the house on Nov. 3.  Unsurprisingly I'm still getting mail from the mortgage company who hasn't updated their files.  So once I send a letter off to them stating the VA has it signed off in their system we should be free of that house.  A really big part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop on this, but for now I'm going to be optimistic.

I also called TriCare and switched primary care managers because my Physician's Assistant pcm was just not getting the job done.  So...I need to call and make an appointment with the new doc to get back to physical therapy & request a physical.  Might as well check to make sure my iron & vitamin levels are up to snuff.

We have Thanksgiving coming up next Thursday and we're actually going to Donald's aunt's home this year.  I've got mixed feelings as the Sideline Narcissist will also be there and quite frankly I just don't want to deal with the bullshit drama that accompanies her.  So I will be bringing pumpkin pie, study material, flash drives, and headphones to keep myself sane during the holiday.

Believe it or not we've already started Christmas shopping!  I feel so flippin' accomplished cuz this hasn't happened in YEARS.  I also managed to get the kids' teachers' goodie bags out this week, so huzzah!  When we return from the Thanksgiving festivities there are even more cookies to bake & I need to get more cookie tins.  There is hope all this crap will get done now that I'm using the light therapy lamp.  But many, many naps will be had to make it all possible.

The Latest Holiday Mess

        I waited until long after the holidays were over to write this because the holidays tend to make me oh so reactive & I tend to not write blogs well in that state.  It’s the insane amount of stress that the holidays induce which makes me such fun person to be around in November and December.  That and the inevitable visit from the least favorite person in my life -> the Sideline Narcissist (otherwise known as my mother-in-law.)

          The irony here is that Donald (actually had to look bag at older blog entries to see what his alt name is hee) Bloody Loves the holidays.  Of course, his contribution to the holidays are usually cooking the turkey and putting up the Christmas tree.  I handle pretty much all of the rest because if it were left to Donald it wouldn’t get done.  (Procrastination does not work well during the holidays.)  So while Donald gets all giddy at the approach of the holidays I pretty much turn into a zombie who tries to feel as little as possible just to get through it.  Yay.

          Anyhow, the inevitable visit occurred as it always does.  And Donald’s anxiety increases as it always does.  And the Sideline Narcissist proceeded to complain about anything and everything in her life because that’s pretty much her modus operandi.  My personal favorite was when she began to talk about her niece referring to her as “Princess ….” and definitely not meaning it in an endearing way.  The kicker was the Sideline Narcissist was obviously jealous of her niece’s relationship with the SN’s sister, but instead of admitting that she painted the niece as being entitled.  (Cue the laughter from those who have ever dealt with a Narcissist.  Cuz this is pretty much their trademark.)  Donald definitely gets points for this next bit as he interrupted her and asked how “Queen Narcissist” (obviously he didn’t call her that, but he did use her first name) would be arranging the visiting times since she was displeased.  It was pretty epic.

          The SN has made several attempts to overtake her niece’s life and it makes me sad that no one in Donald’s family will call her on her shit.  Because of past experience I don’t deal with most of the drama that happens regularly in Donald’s family.  I pretty much just stay as far away from the Sideline Narcissist as possible and educate my kiddos on what are healthy emotional behaviors and those which aren’t. 

          So the holidays are over (Huzzah) but Winter hasn’t left yet and my stupid Seasonal Affective Disorder is in full swing.  Thankfully the depression isn’t as bad as it was last year…it’s the being tired that’s killing me this year.  That and the nerve pain that flares up every Winter.  Also, the Sideline Narcissist is making plans to come out in February.  In my beleaguered state I’m seriously considering getting a hotel room the weekend she’s coming out and giving myself a mini-holiday.  It’ll piss Donald off but I’m finding more and more that I just don’t care.

          On a good note I’m reading a great book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron which is giving great insight on so many levels.  It was less than $10 when I purchased it through Amazon, so definitely worth the money.  Also, I’m getting quite a bit of writing accomplished.  So good stuff.  Gotta remember the good stuff when the SAD kicks in and all I want to do is sleep.

In the Fog

So....I've been having real issues with seasonal depression since about February.  Why February?  Because normally February is the time when Winter starts to sulk away and Spring begins to poke her head around this corner.  But this year Winter has been throwing herself a merry little party & Spring got held up at the gate.  And it has been withering me.  Didn't help that Donald had his tonsils removed in February (talk about a sensory overload for an introvert already fighting off SAD) and that Winter's continued to throw herself a party all through March.  March!  We're supposed to have blue skies, flowers, and birds out by now!  

I'm an INFJ (it's a Myers Briggs personality preference if that seems like another language) and so I pick up on little things that end up making patterns (to me anyway) and eventually explain themselves.  There's been this one website hanging around in my Tabs that for some reason I've not gotten rid of.  The site is called Out of the Fog and is a help aid to those of us who have people with personality disorders in our lives.  For some reason I hadn't let that website go...and then I figured out it was because I WASN'T out of the fog...I was most definitely in its midst.  

Another clue to the depth of the depression I'm currently in was an article I read about a psychologist who served in Iraq who just couldn't escape his own depression and PTSD.  That man was a help to so many and ended up killing himself because he just couldn't get away from the misery.  You can read about this hero here, but what clued me in is that he had many of the same characteristics I have when I'm depressed.  And it hit me that if this Winter continues on much longer, I'd find a way to end it myself.  Which really sucks because I have three kiddos that I love more than my own life so....yeah.  It presents a problem.

So here's my coping strategies:  1 - take the time I need to just be here and not beat myself up over what I'm not getting done.  2 - Read.  When I get really low reading saves my sanity.  3 - Don't worry about my creative writing right now.  The ideas will be here when I'm more able to focus on them and not just getting through day to day.  4 - Spend time with the fam, but don't be afraid to get the introvert time I need.  They'll get plenty of happy me the rest of the year and I need lots of alone time right now.  5 - Embrace the funny.  Laughter is a wonderful balm to almost anything so if I can find it, I'm going to enjoy it.

Speaking of laughter, here's a hilarious piece of a Middle Earth fan playing Gollum as a counselor ;-)  http://www.themarysue.com/gollum-somebody-that-i-used-to-know/

Comfort food for the Winter

One of the best defenses I have against Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is making comfort food during Winter.  And while we're almost out of Winter (thank the Gods!) I'm still making comfort food.  Cuz the SAD doesn't go away until the Spring sun breaks through.  So here are some of my favorite comfort foods to get through the Winter.

Shepherd's Pie

2 medium onions, chopped (or 1 large onion)
2 cloves garlic, pressed
1.5 pounds ground lamb (I sub either beef or turkey)
1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste
1 cup chicken stock
1 heaped tablespoon flour
1/2 cup white wine (not cooking wine, something you would actually drink)
1/2 cup water
seasonings to taste:  parsley, thyme, salt, & pepper
1/2 teaspoon terragon
3 large potatoes, peeled (this does mean LARGE potatoes.  Use twice as many small potatoes
                                            to get the right consistency.)
1 stick butter (I use light butter to make myself feel healthier)
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup cooked corn (I use either canned or frozen)
1/2 cup carrots, chopped
Colby/Jack shredded cheese (use however much you want to top the mashed potatoes)

Cook onions, garlic, and ground meat together until meat is browned.  Drain off fat & add tomato paste, chicken stock, & flour.  Cook for about a minute then add wine & water.  Add seasonings to your taste then simmer gently for 15 minutes (or until your potatoes are done boiling.)  Boil potatoes while the meat mixture is cooking.  Mash potatoes then add butter & milk & salt and pepper to taste.  Put meat mixture in a large greased backing dish (circular is better to get a good platform for the mashed potatoes.  I have a cast iron stock pot that I do the whole thing in.)  Spoon the corn & carrots over the meat mixture and spread mashed potatoes on top so the meat & veggies are completely covered.  Sprinkle with cheese & bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.


Another favorite is chili & here's an awesome recipe for Chicken Chili

Southwestern Chicken Chili

And finally, an all veggie stew you can make in your crock pot

Ratatouille Bean Stew

1 cup dried garbanzo beans
1 medium onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 14.5 ounce can of chicken broth
1 4.5 ounce jar sliced mushrooms, drained
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 large zucchini, sliced
1 medium red or green bell pepper, cut into pieces
1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning (or to taste)
1 14.5 ounce can diced tomatoes with Italian style herbs, undrained

Soak beans as directed on package for 6 - 8 hours

In 3.5 to 4 quart slow cooker combine garbanzo beans, onion, garlic, broth, mushrooms, & salt.  Mix well.

Cover, cook on low setting for 10 to 12 hours.  About 35 minutes before serving stir in zucchini, bell pepper, Italian seasoning, and tomatoes.  Cover, cook on high setting an additional 35 minutes or until veggies are tender.


(Because this last one is a crock pot meal you can be really versatile with the timing.  You can do the large part of the cooking overnight, put the inner part of the crock pot in your fridge, then pull it out about an hour before you want to do the last part of the cooking.)

Dealing with the Holidays

I think enough time has passed now that I can write about my holiday experience this year.  I'm going to preface this by saying I was finishing up my master's degree (which meant unpaid hours for internship & LOADS of paperwork at the end) as well as doing all the normal holiday crap that drives me batty (baking cookies, designing Holiday cards, addressing & mailing Holiday cards, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, mailing packages, & not sleeping enough.)  So it's not an exaggeration to say my stress level was maxxed out, my SAD was thoroughly ingrained, and I was pretty miserable overall.

Donald has been doing a great job with his counselor on trying to understand how growing up in a dysfunctional family affected him.  He even did a homework assignment to figure out what boundaries he wanted to set for the Borg Queen while she was out.  With all this positive stuff going on I thought surely the visit couldn't be terrible.  Yeah.  That was a mistake.

When the BQ got here Donald was at work during the daytime for the first couple of days.  Not that big a deal really because BQ took the kidlets with her to her hotel room.  We did the normal talking just long enough to make it look like we didn't despise each other and I mentioned to BQ that we would really appreciate it if she could watch the kids for the afternoon of the next day so Donald & I could actually have a date.  She said that would be fine.  That night I reminded Donald that he had wanted me to talk to his mother about the date thing for the next day.  Everything should have been fine.  However, in dysfunctional families old habits are hard to break.  VERY hard to break.

The next day Donald comes downstairs (he was still working nights during all this, so he slept later in the morning than I did) and sees the BQ is already here.  So he walks up to her and says "What are our plans today?"  I was in the kitchen & at first thought he was talking to me.  Then it hit me that he was asking his mother.  This is when I started seeing red.  It got worse when she replied "Oh I'd like to take the kids to get pictures with Santa."  (It was a week before Christmas, so this was going to be an all day thing.)  So...apparently the conversations I'd had with the both of them had never happened.  Only...they did.  But as in the past, any plans I made with Donald got put on the back burner so he could make his mother happy.

I went upstairs to get away from them (mainly because I didn't want to have an argument with Donald in front of the kids) and a few minutes later Donald comes upstairs.  He's completely oblivious and asks if I'm ready to go.  When I informed him I wasn't going with them because we had previous plans that just got cancelled he got the "deer in the headlights" look.  Then he tried to make it my fault.  "You want mom to have to take all 3 kids by herself to get pictures with Santa?" he demands in an outraged voice.  "Nope", I replied, "you should definitely go with your mother.  I'm going to spend some me time today since our plans got derailed."  He walked off in a huff after that.

About 20 minutes later he calls and asks if we can still do our date later that day.  His mother volunteered to take the kids to a movie so we could have some alone time together.  I agreed and we did go out later that day and had a fairly good time.  So date day wasn't a total disaster, but Donald never followed through with anything he had talked to his counselor about the entire time the BQ was out.  It's like watching an addict relapse and it's heartbreaking to see.

We shall see what the future holds.  I've talked to Donald about how he can't follow through with his mother and he may be beginning to see what I'm talking about.  But I also don't want to deal with this for another ten or even another five years.  The holidays are stressful enough without the added addition of the Borg Queen.

The Season for SAD

  Most of the people I know look forward to the holidays.  They love to spend time with their families, wrap gifts, flit from place to place finding that special something for everyone on their list.  I'm not most people.  As soon as the November time change hits my personality takes a dive.  As the days grow shorter and Winter peeks out from it's lovelier sister Fall, I become a grump.  And this has happened every Winter since I turned 18...possibly even before then.  Although I've never been given the official diagnosis, it's safe to say I'm a victim of Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD.  There's a short article on it here and you can find much more information on it on the internet.


   Because depression affects people differently and SAD is a seasonal form of depression, I can only assume that the way SAD gets to me is not the same way it gets to everyone else.  But basically once that time change hits, I have two moods.  There's the apathetic "I don't want to get out of bed and do anything but sleep" mood and there's the "I hate everything in the world and just want it all to go away" mood.  When I'm in the apathy mood it's very difficult to get even the simplest task done.  My brain feels fuzzy like it just can't seem to grasp ordinary concepts.  When I'm in the angry mood I'm at least able to get things done.  Anger seems to be the more productive of the two moods.  When I get into SAD season I tend to draw back further into myself.  It helps my family in that I'm not snapping at them as much, and it helps me in that there's less of the hectic holiday crap for me to take in.


   Now, in all honesty I have good reason to be worried right now.  We've spent all of our savings account on fixing up our rental home in New Mexico, which is now pretty and sparkly and eagerly awaiting a new renter.  Which we don't have yet.  And if we don't get a renter in there in January we're going to have to default on that mortgage.  That's really stressful.  There's also that I just today found out we're going to be losing $165 a month out of our already tight budget because apparently the military gurus don't think we need as much monthly BAH as we currently have.  (This has since been revised and we won't be losing any money on our BAH *huge sigh of relief*)


   I get to start working on the fieldwork portion of my master's degree in January.  I don't get paid for ANY of that.  AND we have to pay for someone to watch our kiddos while I'm doing my fieldwork.  Which means more money out of our sieve-like pockets.  I have MANY reasons to be SAD right now...but I'm fighting it.  Because I have three kiddos that I love more than anything else in the world and they need their mother.  


  Distractions such as listening to my favorite music, reading a good book, and sometimes watching a good television show can help to kick the SAD away for a bit.  Unfortunately the book I picked up was The Hunger Games which is NOT a good book to read if you're fighting any kind of depression.  And then I decided to catch up on Once Upon a Time and it DEFINITELY didn't help keep the SAD away.  I'm just going to call it a day and curl up with one of my Anita Blake books because even though they're pretty gritty...it's always the people who deserve to get hurt that get it in those books.


 (If you or anyone you know has suicidal thoughts, please get the help you need.  Because there is always someone who loves you way more than you think they do.)


PS.  Saw this on Curious George this morning and had to add it.  "Winter.  It was like a roller coaster of BLAH."  Perfect description of Winter for me!