Recommendation versus Reality

So I talked to a friend of mine about this frustration I was feeling watching videos put up by well intentioned psychologists and other professionals on how to get out of a narcissistic relationship.  (Or any emotionally abusive relationship for that matter.)  She was also frustrated (for the same reason I was) so I decided to write about it just in case there are others out there feeling the same thing.

Most of the videos on youtube by mental health professionals on this subject feature a well dressed, older individual who obviously has no financial worries.  In contrast, a lot of the people in these situations are living paycheck to paycheck.  Some of them worry about keeping a roof over their heads for both themselves and their children.  To hear an educated individual tell someone who's already struggling financially to "put some money away in an emergency fund until the time comes when you can leave" almost makes it feel worse.  It makes it feel like getting away to safety is an even more impossible goal because you know you have to choose between the possibility of safety and keeping your kids fed, clothed, and housed.  This is not the best way to be helpful to people with lower socioeconomic status, but I really do think these videos are coming from a well-intentioned place.  Most mental health providers really want to help people, so I think it's just a lack of understanding that many people in these types of relationships just don't have the funds for this type of escape route.

In a perfect world hahaha imagine that cuz it's sure not happening right now there'd be a system set up to help people get out of these types of relationships.  That's not ever going to happen, so here's a bit of fantasy that just might be possible.  Remember the underground railroad?  Something similar could be set up with families or individuals who have money to help out families who don't get out of these awful relationships.  Because the reality is that most of us can't just up and leave.  We don't have the income for that.  But if there was a way for us to flee safely and not have to worry about feeding, clothing, and housing our kids in the beginning, that would make it a viable goal.  And that would give us hope.  In abusive relationships it's sometimes very hard to hold onto the idea of hope.

So there's my fantasy for others like me who can't leave because of basic need issues.  If you are in an  emotionally abusive relationship and you can't leave, don't beat yourself up.  Take care of yourself as best you can just get through it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  If you have children teach them not to take this kind of behavior from others as adults.  And if a time comes when you can get it, don't hesitate.  Take your kids and run because you deserve better than this.

Round and Round we go

It's been a couple of weeks since the last counseling session Donald and I went to.  (Feels so odd using the handle of Donald for the spouse since Trump is EVERYWHERE online right now, but that's the name we're sticking with for blogging purposes.)  Overall it was a good counseling session for me.  Not so much for Donald, but that's mainly because he's having to deal with some hard truths and he's so very steeped in denial that it's like his world is crumbling.  

The counselor asked us how we were doing since the holidays and Donald and I just looked at each other uncomfortably.  I've noticed my tolerance for his defense mechanisms and the general bullshit that surrounds his family of origin is pretty much gone since getting the skin cancer diagnosis and this session really showed it.  One of the first things I said to the counselor was that the holidays really showcased for me especially since we'd done all that work in counseling right before the holidays that as long as I'm married to Donald I'll be taking second place to his mother.  (For anyone who's reading this and is confused just follow the NPD and dysfunctional family tags on the blog and you'll catch up really quickly.)  The counselor simply nodded to acknowledge this fact while Donald's comeback was 'I don't think you'll be happy until I cut her out of my life.'  Now.  There's a huge difference between letting your mother control you which is what's been happening the 15.5 years of our marriage and setting healthy boundaries.  Donald is unable to see this because he was raised with the understanding that to show love to your mother is to let her make all your decisions.

I gave the example of the N taking video of Bess over Thanksgiving and lying to her about it.  The counselor agreed with me that this was a breach of trust, especially given that Donald has basically tried to place the N in a position of power over our family.  The counselor castigated Donald for not taking any action in the situation.  There was then a discussion where the counselor advised Donald he really needed to listen to me in regards to boundaries and the overall safety of the kids because my instincts were very good whereas he was too passive.  This was so very validating for me because for YEARS Donald has told me I'm too aggressive in dealing with the N which is bullshit.  I'm building boundaries and standing up for myself and the kids.  But the whole setting boundaries thing goes against everything he was ever taught going up, so of course he'd find it aggressive.  The power differential in his family of origin is ridiculously tilted in his mother's favor, but rather than acknowledge any of this Donald would rather stay within his cloud of denial.  It makes his life with his mother safer for him, but it makes life hell for me and the kids.

The other major thing that came up in the counseling session was what happened when I set a boundary with the N.  She'd sent us both an email that had no text and only had an appointment time at JC Penney portrait studios.  The subject line said pictures for me and the kids.  I asked Donald if she'd said anything to him about this over Thanksgiving and of course she hadn't.  We both felt the email was demanding so I handled it.  I replied to her email with one stating we didn't mind that she wanted pics with the kids, but we did mind that with no prior warning she'd sent us an appointment date and just expected us to comply with it.  I also pointed out that she could've said something to one of us while we were all at the Aunt's home for Thanksgiving.  Finally, I told her that she needed to give us a heads up for anything like pictures with the kids so we could be prepared instead of feeling like we had to drop everything to make this happen.  Her reply simply stated she'd discussed it with Donald over the Summer and she'd take my request into consideration for the future.

After explaining what had happened to the counselor he agreed that she treated me as inferior.  He also praised me for standing up for myself and the kids because Bess hadn't wanted to do the pictures for the simple reason that we'd had no notice.  The boys didn't really care, and that was fine.  Other than the N being an N the thing that really irritated me about the whole thing was all Donald did was try to soothe his mother's ruffled feathers.  He never really backed me up which is basically how this marriage works.  I'm on my own trying to take care of myself and the kids and he's constantly trying to take care of the N.

So goals for the year continue to be:  become cancer free; get gainful employment; and get separated.  Finishing up the last class of this master's degree and it's a doozy.  But it will end and eventually life will become less complicated.  Spring is coming soon and I can't wait to welcome it back ;-)

The Road So Far

This is going to be rather a long post I suspect.  I was planning on posting an update about what's happened in the last couple of months, and then last night happened.  And last night had an epic amount of suck, so this is going to be longer than I originally thought.

Before I go any further, just a reminder that I don't use my family's real names on my blog, Twitter, or any other social media anymore.  It's to protect their privacy, but I find their online names fun as well.  Quick run down - Donald is my spouse, Bess is the girl, Lightning is the middle boy, Dare is the youngest boy, and I go by Callasyndra.  I suspect at some point the spawn will get their own social media accounts and so nothing I say about them will ever really translate to anything their friends or cyber stalkers could relate to their actual identity.

Probably the biggest thing to happen lately is that Donald and I are in counseling fucking took long enough I've only been asking for three years  with a very good counselor.  Within the first 25 minutes of the first session the counselor told Donald that his mother was controlling him.  It's amazing how he listens to other people rather than his spouse.  Donald was also told he had an adult to child relationship with mother dearest rather than the adult to adult relationship he should have with her at this point in his life.  There have been lots of eye-opening things to come out of this so far, but I'm not sure how much it's actually going to help the marriage.  The events of last night pretty much put down any of the good that came out of the sessions and quite frankly I'm sick of getting constant criticism when I'm expected to be loving and supportive all the freaking time.

I suppose at this point it would be appropriate to segue into last night's event.  Lightning's birthday was Thursday (he's 8 years old now and is amazingly healthy for having had a heart repair at a week old) and last night I took him and a couple of his friends (along with Dare) to play laser tag.  Lightning had played this once before with a friend of his and loved it, so we bought a few games for the kids to play and called it good.  Except that when we got there both of my kids freaked out.  Dare is terrified of the dark so that wasn't a huge surprise, but I wasn't expecting Lightning to flip out since he'd done this before.  The laser tag place was decorated for Halloween (which I love, but the boys tend to get really scared of spooky figures and spooky music.)  The other two boys didn't want to play laser tag if Lightning wasn't going to, so there I was with an upset kid supposed to be celebrating his birthday.  WTF.  The people who owned the place were fantastic and instead let us trade out a game of laser tag for bumper cars, which all of the kids enjoyed.  After that I took them to McDonald's since we didn't get to do the thing they'd been expecting and that seemed to be a hit as well.

Things were going fairly well and we were on the way home when I called Donald to let him know to reheat the pizza.  He tells me over the phone that we're going to have to talk about Lightning's birthday and 'his neuroses' because apparently in his opinion I'd managed to fuck up the kids' night.  Except that I have a functioning brain and pretty much saved the whole thing.  So I said he could totally be in charge of planning Lightning's birthday crap from now on.  He didn't like that idea either.  In all honesty I don't know what the hell he wants, but it really feels like he just wants me to do what he tells me to do.  Yeah that's not happening thank you very much for a functioning brain and the realization that people do not treat you this way unless they have problems.

So the dropping off of the children happened and then we went home.  Bess was waiting at the front door for me saying in quite the dramatic teenage voice "I was just going to text and ask when you were coming home."  Donald then jumped all over her for being demanding (which she was a bit, but I know she doesn't like spending much time with Donald because she feels like all he does is yell at her.)  I'm exhausted and hungry by this time (hypoglycemia is a bitch) so I go into the kitchen to eat something.  Bess and I are sitting at the table eating when I tell Donald he should really just take care of the rest of the birthday planning for Lightning.  At that point it probably would have made life easier for me if he'd just gone with it, but he didn't because "I don't think we should talk about this in front of Bess."  (Lightning has a long and varied history of freaking the hell out over things that probably wouldn't bother anyone else.  This is not a new issue.)  I honestly don't remember what all happened after that except by the end of it I was in tears.  And the one thing blaring through my brain at that point was I NEED A FUCKING DIVORCE.

So I'm going to bring up in our next counseling session that night because one of the big things the counselor has pointed out besides the mother issues is that Donald is very critical.  All the time.  And doesn't even realized he's that way.


Took a bit of time to breathe, process, and go to another counseling session before finishing up this gigantor post.  Still really irritated about the criticism, but we did talk about that in session.  Other things that are happening right now include still having problems with my PCM who for whatever reason doesn't believe I have a pain issue.  My physical therapist has noted in her progress reports that my pain isn't so much helped by physical therapy.  The last appointment with my PCM was Oct. 16 when she signed paperwork for me to get an at home TENS unit (woohoo for pain relief) but then neglected to put in the medical code for said pain relief so now I'm waiting on her.  Again.  And she didn't put in the new referral I needed for physical therapy.  It's time to change PCM's, but I need to check in with my physical therapist and see if she wants me to wait until the new referral goes through first.  It's a big PITA when people don't believe you're hurting because you're still functioning.  I just don't get it - aren't doctors given training on people with high pain tolerances?

Anyhow, we are now at the point in marriage counseling where Donald and I talk about how much we want sex/intimacy in our lives.  And the thing is....I just don't.  I don't want sex at all.  Haven't for some time and mostly think it's because of the trauma from childhood that I STILL can't fully remember.  The really very nice and experienced counselor offered to talk to me privately about the trauma I mentioned very briefly and I just may take him up on that.  Because I've been wanting to talk to someone who knows what the hell they're doing for awhile now.  But the thing is....Donald's all "I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to help you through this" and I just....don't know how to feel about that.  Because our relationship has never been focused on my needs.  So that's gonna take some time to deal with as well.

Lastly, yes this post was named after Supernatural, which Bess and I have been watching on Netflix.  We just got to see the 200th episode aptly titled Fan Fiction and oh my.  It was so very worth a rewatch.  This particular road's far from over and I don't know where it's going to go, but I'm hoping there's going to be a light at the end of that road.  Gotta work on me for a while and see how that goes.  Then I can decide on whether or not the marriage is worth all the work.

The Latest Holiday Mess

        I waited until long after the holidays were over to write this because the holidays tend to make me oh so reactive & I tend to not write blogs well in that state.  It’s the insane amount of stress that the holidays induce which makes me such fun person to be around in November and December.  That and the inevitable visit from the least favorite person in my life -> the Sideline Narcissist (otherwise known as my mother-in-law.)

          The irony here is that Donald (actually had to look bag at older blog entries to see what his alt name is hee) Bloody Loves the holidays.  Of course, his contribution to the holidays are usually cooking the turkey and putting up the Christmas tree.  I handle pretty much all of the rest because if it were left to Donald it wouldn’t get done.  (Procrastination does not work well during the holidays.)  So while Donald gets all giddy at the approach of the holidays I pretty much turn into a zombie who tries to feel as little as possible just to get through it.  Yay.

          Anyhow, the inevitable visit occurred as it always does.  And Donald’s anxiety increases as it always does.  And the Sideline Narcissist proceeded to complain about anything and everything in her life because that’s pretty much her modus operandi.  My personal favorite was when she began to talk about her niece referring to her as “Princess ….” and definitely not meaning it in an endearing way.  The kicker was the Sideline Narcissist was obviously jealous of her niece’s relationship with the SN’s sister, but instead of admitting that she painted the niece as being entitled.  (Cue the laughter from those who have ever dealt with a Narcissist.  Cuz this is pretty much their trademark.)  Donald definitely gets points for this next bit as he interrupted her and asked how “Queen Narcissist” (obviously he didn’t call her that, but he did use her first name) would be arranging the visiting times since she was displeased.  It was pretty epic.

          The SN has made several attempts to overtake her niece’s life and it makes me sad that no one in Donald’s family will call her on her shit.  Because of past experience I don’t deal with most of the drama that happens regularly in Donald’s family.  I pretty much just stay as far away from the Sideline Narcissist as possible and educate my kiddos on what are healthy emotional behaviors and those which aren’t. 

          So the holidays are over (Huzzah) but Winter hasn’t left yet and my stupid Seasonal Affective Disorder is in full swing.  Thankfully the depression isn’t as bad as it was last year…it’s the being tired that’s killing me this year.  That and the nerve pain that flares up every Winter.  Also, the Sideline Narcissist is making plans to come out in February.  In my beleaguered state I’m seriously considering getting a hotel room the weekend she’s coming out and giving myself a mini-holiday.  It’ll piss Donald off but I’m finding more and more that I just don’t care.

          On a good note I’m reading a great book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron which is giving great insight on so many levels.  It was less than $10 when I purchased it through Amazon, so definitely worth the money.  Also, I’m getting quite a bit of writing accomplished.  So good stuff.  Gotta remember the good stuff when the SAD kicks in and all I want to do is sleep.

All the things

Many many things are going on in the weird little world that is my life.  I've begun the first class towards a second master's degree that I don't really want, but I DO want the job I can get with it.  In about 3 weeks Bess is beginning 6th grade, Lightning is going into 1st grade, & Dare will be in kindergarten.  The house we own in New Mexico has been empty sine January 31st, so coming up with an extra $600 a month is JUST A LITTLE BIT STRESSFUL.

On a completely different subject I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of months back.  My mother in law (otherwise known as the bane of my marriage, and the borg queen) had requested to come out & pick up the kids & take them to her house (10 hours away) for two weeks.  And she also wanted to come back out & get them a second time.  Cuz a 10 hour trip is no big deal to her, but 2 out of the 3 kids get car sick and this seems to mean nothing to her.  Anyhow, this all came about after I emailed extended family members to let them know we wouldn't be journeying to KY this summer for budgetary reasons (see above note about stress.)  After blinking a couple of times at my husband's recitation of his mother's wishes, I told him that she wasn't physically capable of caring for all 3 kids by herself for two weeks.  Or even 1 week being that she was 10 hours away & had no access to their medical care since it's through TRICARE & you have to be a military sponsor to access it.  Surprisingly, he agreed with me.  However....he was unable to actually TELL his madre that he didn't think she could care for the kids without anyone else's help.  I spent about 2 months being flat out pissed off at him.  Because these are his kids and he should be putting their health and well-being first.  Then I got tired of being pissed off all the time.  So I sat back and had a mental conversation with myself about my husband and his dysfunctional relationship with his mother.  It went kind of like this:
Okay self, I'm tired of being angry.  What other ways do I have to think about this?  Well...I do have all that fancy counseling knowledge I could pull from.  So...if I had some random dude come in off the street who was having a similar issue what would I tell him?  There's always the reframe method....instead of thinking that the dude won't talk to his mother, we frame it as he can't talk to his mother.  He just never learned how to and was conditioned for years to never question his parental unit.  So...how do you work with that?
And that reframe helped me to not be so damn angry.  I began to suggest different things that the husband might use to address this issue.  While he didn't really use any of them, it helped me to feel more productive and less apt to bean him upside the head.  After talking to his brother (who in true dysfunctional family form didn't think there would be any problem with the 60 something grandmother who has a heart condition looking after 3 very active children for 2 weeks all by herself) the husband finally had a phone conversation with his mother.  He had procrastinated as long as he was allowed to.  We had agreed on a deadline he had to talk to her by or she didn't get the kids.  I have no idea what he actually said to her, but she firmly disagreed with his concern for her ability to take care of the kids and never acknowledged there was a real cause for concern.

So after all that (that particular problem was solved by having the husband go with the borg queen so the kids would survive the week with her) we had to deal with a lack of planning on his mother's part for the month of August.  Everyone else who wanted to spend time with us had already contacted us.  Not his mother.  Cuz why would she want to ever do something like contact the people she was supposed to be visiting and let them know when she'd be out?  NOBODY does that.  :-/  So...after dealing with the latest debacle of finding out she'll be staying at my home in 1.5 weeks cuz she can't afford a hotel, I made a suggestion.  Deadlines work well for the son, so I suggested we use them with the mother.  If she wants to come and visit us, she needs to let us know by the deadline we provide.  Or she doesn't get to visit.  Cuz I'm tired of waiting to see what she's going to do instead of just making normal plans to do things with my family.  And it's stressful waiting on her decision.  So that's the plan from this point forward.  It'll be interesting to see how the follow through goes.

I'll be taking our 11 year old cat Rowan to the vet tonight.  The irony of taking a possibly ailing feline to emergency vet services on #nationalcatday does not escape me.  I'm ready to get off the roller coaster for a bit...

The Suckage of being a Responsible Adult

I've been doing the on/again off/again thing with my blog.  This has been a very trying year so far in that I'm so very, VERY tired of constantly having to explain to Donald why he needs to continue to work on his boundaries with his mother.  It really feels like I'm living in the office all the freaking time.  If I'd wanted to be a counselor 24/7 I'd have gone into mental health rather than marriage & family and looked for an inpatient psychiatric ward.  Ugh.  Not loving it.  At All.

Anyhow, the fabulous Jesse Blayne wrote another of her very insightful blog posts In Good Company which made all kinds of light bulbs go off in my head.  Donald does not discuss his frustration with his mother to the kids.  EVER.  Now, I'm actually fine with him not talking about what bothers him about what she says/does/breathes around him.  What I'm not fine with is that it has never occurred to him to discuss with the kids (or let them discuss) things the MIL has done that bothered them.  Every single visit with the MIL leads to the boys getting upset in some fashion because of her obvious favoritism of Bess.  Has he ever talked to them about this?  No...but that shouldn't really surprise me because he (unlike the INFJ that I am)  doesn't ever see patterns and apply them to his own life.  (Getting off that tangent & going back to the current one...)

So guess what I'm going to start doing?  I'm going to start encouraging the kids to talk about anything that bothers them about the MIL.  Because they deserve to be listened to and to be able to reason things out in their own ways.  (This is something Donald was never allowed as a child so it's a very foreign concept for him.)

Also (this is where the title of the post comes in) had an interesting conversation with Bess about the MIL regarding a nickname the MIL had created for Lightning during a visit at her home.  Lightning apparently was reminding her of her youngest son (who she buts heads with all the time) and so she created the nickname of Gumpy Pants #2 for him & thought it was hilarious.  Because neither I nor Donald was there, Lightning was called this oh so charming name for over a week.  After the kids got home Lightning let me know he didn't like the name.  I talked to Bess about it today and asked her what she thought about it.  Bess said that MIL couldn't have meant anything mean by it because she loved her grand kids and tried not to be mean to them. (Did you catch that - tried NOT to be mean to them.)  So we talked about how making up nicknames that make fun of people aren't very nice and that it wasn't very nice of MIL to make up that name for Lightning.  Yay, right?  Until I realized the same principle applied to my nickname of Borg Queen for the MIL :-/  Which kind of sucked.  A Lot.  *sigh*  So in order to set the good example (even though my kids don't read this, let alone KNOW I have a blog) I'm going to refer to my MIL as either MIL or the N (narcissist for those who don't know) and leave off with Borg Queen.  (At least on the blog...probably not in my head.)

SO the drama

This post will chronicle the recent events which transpired between the Borg Queen (my NPD MIL) and my family during the kids' Spring Break from school.  It will be edited at least three times before posting (trying really hard to keep the grammar issues down) and will hopefully be at least a little bit funny.  The title I completely stole from a 2 parter of Kim Possible because it was very appropriate.

Donald had previously ended his counseling prior to this visit as both he and his counselor thought he had accomplished what was needed and he was good to go.  That assumption has been usurped by Donald's complete and utter inability to keep any type of self-care going while the BQ was in the same city.  The BQ left today and Donald is going to see his counselor in the morning.  Thank the Gods.

We didn't realize when plans were made for the BQ to come out during the first part of Spring break that it was also going to be Easter weekend.  Even though we're not Christian, we still celebrate the holiday of the Bunny & the candy as well as have an egg hunt because we live in the United States.  It's kind of a thing here.  Anyhow...I believe it was the first day of the BQ's arrival that she announced her intention to dye eggs.  The BQ is no longer allowed to boil eggs in our home because she damn near burned our home down several years ago leaving eggs boiling in a pan for 5 hours.  (No I'm not kidding.  This actually happened.  I have pictures.)  So after announcing her intentions she informs Donald we will need another 2 dozen eggs.  Yeah.  Not happening because it was GROSS outside & we weren't doing an egg hunt in that shit.  So I compromised with Donald by telling him I'd get 1 dozen white eggs & we'd dye them & 6 brown eggs.  The kids could then use those & some filled plastic eggs for a small indoor egg hunt then we'd do another egg hunt later in the week outside when it wasn't gross.  An accord was met and all was good in the kingdom.  Until it wasn't.  Because while Donald assumed we'd be using regular old egg dye from the store, the BQ had brought this special egg dye she keeps in jars from her house.  This shit apparently stains everything.  Remember that self-care thing I mentioned before?  The resulting mess involved Donald bowing and scraping to his mother while trying to keep the kitchen table from being stained and completely forgetting he was supposed to feed himself lunch.  I was upstairs during this debacle because I've made it very clear to Donald that it's in our marriage's best interest (and my sanity) for me to spend as little time with the BQ as possible.  

Later the same afternoon Donald decides he needs to vent to someone about the problems he's having with his mother.  He chose me (wasn't I the lucky one) as his receiver and proceeded to rant about what she was doing that was driving him mad.  I pointed out that him venting to me was a bad idea because I wanted to strangle the woman before he stared and this just gives me more impetus to strangle her.  I then pointed out how his self-care was sucking and told him to go back to his counselor.  He wanted me to craft him a self-care guide   on how to survive his mother.  After again pointing out that I wanted to strangle her (I really shouldn't have had to mention this more than once) I told him that was something to talk to his counselor about.  Then he ate.  All was well once more.

Other fun anecdotes that occurred during this most recent visit was the BQ talking about the stress of her work situation and how one particular colleague was so toxic (her words, not mine.)  I had to get up and leave at that point as it was a struggle not to burst out laughing at the irony of the situation.

One last thing I must mention that damn near resulted in the strangulation of said Borg Queen was when she called Donald to come get Lightning because the child had gotten sick.  My general rule with the kids is you don't take them with you if you can't/won't take care of them.  I get that he threw up, but that little boy cried for 30 minutes after he got back to our house because he wanted to go back to Grandma's hotel.  30 fucking minutes.  He passed out after that.  From now on the BQ isn't going to get to decide who she wants to take, she's going to get the choice to take Bess one night, and the two boys with one parent the next night.  Because all three of my kids deserve love and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the BQ (who is obsessed with Bess & sees her as the daughter she never had) hurt my boys because they're not girls.

We always have the day after effect that to me feels like recovery from a hurricane after the BQ departs.  That's where we are now and I'm hoping the remainder of Spring Break isn't as draining as the first part was.

Light at the end of a Very Long Tunnel

Our holiday experience with the BQ and the resulting fallout with Donald and I had me fairly depressed.  I've been in a funk for about the last month because of Winter, and bills we can't pay, and lack of employment on my part.  It's just been gloomy and dark and quite honestly I wasn't sure if I could stay in my marriage for another holiday.  Then something amazing happened.

It was a small thing, really.  But when you're dealing with NPD in a very dysfunctional family, you'll take the happy when it comes.  Donald and I had been talking about the BQ's demand to see the kids over Spring break.  (I saw demand because it's never asked or requested.  It's in the form of "I want the kids over Spring Break.)  Donald is still of the opinion that the kids should have the opportunity to spend time with the BQ.  I'm of the opinion they should stay as far away from her as possible.  We try to compromise on that and have agreed that as the kids get older they can make their own choices on spending time with her.  Anyhow, Donald is terrible about trying to make plans that are more than 30 days out.  It frustrates him because he would like to be able to plan things in advance, but it never really works.  So I volunteered to come up with what I thought was a reasonable plan for the BQ to see the kids over their Spring break from school.  The idea was the BQ could come out and spend either the first half, or the second half of the kids' break with them and we would make our own plans for whichever half she didn't use.  Donald agreed this was a good plan and said he'd call the BQ over the weekend.  At this point (because Donald has been working on boundaries with his counselor) I pointed out that since we wanted the BQ to acknowledge both of us in dealing with kidlet matters that I could very easily just send her an email with the info. and CC him on it.  He agreed and I sent the email out that afternoon.

A couple of days later he gets a text message from the BQ saying she'd accidentally deleted the text from me (I found that funny since I didn't send her a text) and wondered if he could just send her the info. again.  He sat there and looked at his phone for about half a minute or so and then he just busts out with "NO.  You can contact (oops I just realized I have no name for myself on here....we'll go with Callasyndra since that's my username) for that info."

I kid you not my jaw about hit the floor in shock and amazement.  This was a VERY GOOD THING.  I'd been waiting for something like this for 10 freaking years and it was finally happening.  It was so wondrous I was afraid to move and interrupt whatever had magically just made my husband stand up to his mother.  The he looked up from his phone and grinned at me saying "That felt kinda good."

Later that weekend he gets a phone call from the BQ where she again does her very best to just get him to divulge the sensitive Spring break info. over the phone.  He again tells her she needs to go through me because he's terrible at planning.  After he gets off the phone with her he says "That's the 2nd time she tried to circumvent you."  I told him it'd been going on for 10 years, it's just that he was seeing it now.  Apparently counseling has been very good for him.

Long story short the BQ sent me an email where she correctly provided the dates I had given her in the supposedly deleted email and stated which ones she would prefer.  The next time Donald spoke to her over the phone he informed her that she needed to quit using him as a middle man to avoid me.  I'm sure she was less than thrilled, but it felt like my husband was waking up from a spell that had been holding him all these years.  Patience may yet win out in the end!

Dealing with the Holidays

I think enough time has passed now that I can write about my holiday experience this year.  I'm going to preface this by saying I was finishing up my master's degree (which meant unpaid hours for internship & LOADS of paperwork at the end) as well as doing all the normal holiday crap that drives me batty (baking cookies, designing Holiday cards, addressing & mailing Holiday cards, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, mailing packages, & not sleeping enough.)  So it's not an exaggeration to say my stress level was maxxed out, my SAD was thoroughly ingrained, and I was pretty miserable overall.

Donald has been doing a great job with his counselor on trying to understand how growing up in a dysfunctional family affected him.  He even did a homework assignment to figure out what boundaries he wanted to set for the Borg Queen while she was out.  With all this positive stuff going on I thought surely the visit couldn't be terrible.  Yeah.  That was a mistake.

When the BQ got here Donald was at work during the daytime for the first couple of days.  Not that big a deal really because BQ took the kidlets with her to her hotel room.  We did the normal talking just long enough to make it look like we didn't despise each other and I mentioned to BQ that we would really appreciate it if she could watch the kids for the afternoon of the next day so Donald & I could actually have a date.  She said that would be fine.  That night I reminded Donald that he had wanted me to talk to his mother about the date thing for the next day.  Everything should have been fine.  However, in dysfunctional families old habits are hard to break.  VERY hard to break.

The next day Donald comes downstairs (he was still working nights during all this, so he slept later in the morning than I did) and sees the BQ is already here.  So he walks up to her and says "What are our plans today?"  I was in the kitchen & at first thought he was talking to me.  Then it hit me that he was asking his mother.  This is when I started seeing red.  It got worse when she replied "Oh I'd like to take the kids to get pictures with Santa."  (It was a week before Christmas, so this was going to be an all day thing.)  So...apparently the conversations I'd had with the both of them had never happened.  Only...they did.  But as in the past, any plans I made with Donald got put on the back burner so he could make his mother happy.

I went upstairs to get away from them (mainly because I didn't want to have an argument with Donald in front of the kids) and a few minutes later Donald comes upstairs.  He's completely oblivious and asks if I'm ready to go.  When I informed him I wasn't going with them because we had previous plans that just got cancelled he got the "deer in the headlights" look.  Then he tried to make it my fault.  "You want mom to have to take all 3 kids by herself to get pictures with Santa?" he demands in an outraged voice.  "Nope", I replied, "you should definitely go with your mother.  I'm going to spend some me time today since our plans got derailed."  He walked off in a huff after that.

About 20 minutes later he calls and asks if we can still do our date later that day.  His mother volunteered to take the kids to a movie so we could have some alone time together.  I agreed and we did go out later that day and had a fairly good time.  So date day wasn't a total disaster, but Donald never followed through with anything he had talked to his counselor about the entire time the BQ was out.  It's like watching an addict relapse and it's heartbreaking to see.

We shall see what the future holds.  I've talked to Donald about how he can't follow through with his mother and he may be beginning to see what I'm talking about.  But I also don't want to deal with this for another ten or even another five years.  The holidays are stressful enough without the added addition of the Borg Queen.

The almost Whacktastic wedding

Sometimes when you're dealing with someone who has a personality disorder it can be easy to think that you're just imagining things.  Especially if that person is high functioning.  But.  When you begin to notice you're not the only person having problems with a particular individual you then have a behavioral pattern that pertains to more than just you.  That behavior pattern also screws with other peoples' lives.  And then you know that the problem lies with the individual who is displaying all this wonderfully whacktastic behavior (I'm aware it's not a word, but it's fun ;-)

I have't written about the incident which involved most of Donald's maternal family last summer because I needed some distance from it first.  Enough time has passed that I think I can present it with some sarcastic humor rather than just horror.

Donald's cousin was getting married and plans were being made.  The bride made the decision that she and her groom would prefer not to have any children at the ceremony because there were lots of small children in the family & they really wanted a quiet ceremony.  (As anyone who has children knows, they tend not to be quiet.  Ever.)  We got a very nice wedding invitation and had picked out the clothes we would wear because we were driving in & we needed clothes that could travel well.  Then I got a phone call.

Now, this was a very unexpected phone call.  The bride's mother (who is sister to the Borg Queen) was on my phone.  She and I get along quite well, but we don't talk often because she loves her sister and I avoid her sister like the plague.  It's a difficult relationship but we make the best of it.  Anyhow, she's quite frantic on the line and I'm having trouble understanding what's gotten her so upset.  The conversation went something like this:

Me - Hello?

D - Jenn?  Hi how are you?  I need to talk to you about something...

Me - Okay, what's up?

D - We're having a problem with the wedding and I thought the easiest fix would be to call you.

Me - (baffled) Well I'll be happy to help in any way I can...

D - well you know that (bride) doesn't want any kids as the wedding...

Me - Right...

D - well Borg Queen keeps going on and on about how she's bringing the kids to the wedding and she's got clothes picked out for them for the pictures and it doesn't seem to matter what we say to her she just keeps saying she's bringing the kids.  And (bride) finally just told me I need to take care of it because they can't have any kids there or the groom's family will be offended

Me - wait...Borg Queen is telling you guys she's bringing OUR kids to the wedding?  And she's bought them clothes?  She hasn't mentioned ANY of this to us

D - I feel so bad for calling you because I feel guilty, I mean she's my SISTER, but this is my daughter's wedding and I'm not going to let her ruin it.

Me - (silence for a moment)  Well we had already made plans to leave the kids with my parents in Lexington (wedding was in Louisville) since kids aren't supposed to be there so it won't be an issue.  I'm so sorry you guys have been dealing with this.  

D - she's also been complaining about the wedding cake (bride) picked out because she can't stand fondant icing and so she brings it up all the time that the cake is going to be awful.  I just don't know what to do!  

Me - well she can't do anything about the cake but complain, so (bride) can do whatever she wants.  And like I said, the kids won't be an issue.  If there's anything else we (meaning Donald and I) can help with please let me know.  

D - please don't tell her I talked to you.  Thank you so much - we were so worried about this!


There was more to the actual conversation, but there's the gist of it.  The thing that really got me was never once did the Borg Queen apologize for putting her family through this.  And it was very stressful on the bride, her mother, and the groom's family dealing with the Borg Queen's behavior.  So while I have my own problems with her, I always remind myself that I'm not the only one.

Enter the Borg Queen

To continue the story of my first encounters with my MIL, we follow our small family to Holloman AFB, NM.  About 6 months after we'd moved and begun to settle in, I made one of the best decisions of my adult life.  I went over to what was then called Life Skills and asked to speak to a counselor.  And during my first appointment with Dr. B, I was very frank and even said, "I need to know if there is anything wrong with me because I don't want to be a danger to my daughter."  


Now, to fully understand this whole situation it's necessary for a bit of background information.  The previous blog entry In the Beginning explains many of the problems I was experiencing with my MIL and why I was beginning to doubt my own sanity.  Because the MIL's entire family to include her son (my husband) enforced the idea that she could do no wrong.  Add to this the fact that bipolar disorder runs in my family (both my father and his mother were given that diagnosis.)  So here I am, wondering what the hell is actually happening because everybody in my husband's family was telling me what I was experiencing was not what was actually happening.  So I go to see this counselor with the secret terror that I could actually not be viewing my life correctly because there was something wrong with me.  (Because this is what I'd been told in not so many words.)  And do you know what he said?  I remember this because it made such an impact on me.  "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  The only thing that might apply is adjustment disorder."  I cried tears of absolute relief in that office.


I continued therapy with Dr. B for quite some time, over a year in all if I remember correctly.  Many things happened in my life while I was seeing this wonderful therapist.  One of the many things that happened was the emergence of the name Borg Queen (at least in my head.)  I was really funny the way the whole thing came about.  I was venting about the MIL & her family and how anytime I was myself around them and displayed anything other than what they wanted shown around them I was basically put down or punished passive aggressively.  I said something like "They just want you to be how they are, or they don't want you to be at all."   And Dr. B said "Oh that sounds just like the Borg!  Resistance is futile...you will be assimilated," he went on to say in that low, monotone Borg voice that any Star Trek TNG fan knows.  It was possibly the most awesome thing that ever happened in therapy with him, with the exception of him telling me there wasn't anything wrong with me.  And it honestly is just a good portrait of the MIL because just like in TNG mythology, she honestly believes that everything she does benefits the universe.  The Borg Queen absolutely believes that uniformity and bringing every living humanoid into the Collective is the best thing for the Universe.  The MIL believes that everything should fit the nice little fantasy world she lives in and she will do whatever she feels is necessary for that to happen.  And hey, it's a humorous way to deal with a non-humorous situation.  And who doesn't love humor?

Another sequence from film that I use to help myself deal with the sometimes useless feeling of trying to keep my uniqueness in the face of the MIL's absolute need for conformity to her fantasy is from Labyrinth (the Jim Hensen movie.)  It's close to the end of the film when Sarah is confronting Jareth to rescue her brother.  The script goes something like this:
"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen.  For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great.  You have no power over me."


Because that's what it really boiled down to:  her power over me.  Because until I started seeing Dr. B and talking to someone who wasn't dazzled by the MIL, I had lost my personal power.  And by having a very good therapist and working through so many of the issues that happened during that time, I was able to gain my sense of self and my personal power back.  And I will be forever grateful to Dr. B for helping me find myself again.

In the beginning

I've thought about doing this for some time, but wanted to be in the right frame of mind for it.  These experiences I had with my mother-in-law have significantly influenced my life.  Indirectly, they are responsible for my decision to become a marriage and family therapist.  I've learned what I can from them and will continue to learn from the interactions my family has with her.  And I will never, ever forget that whatever happens with this woman, I am important, I do matter, and she can't take that from me.


If you don't know what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is, it's not an easy thing to describe.  Sure, you can grab a copy of the DSM-IV-TR and it will give you a list of all the necessary ingredients to clinically prescribe the diagnosis of NPD.  What it won't tell you is the feeling you get from being around someone who has this.  And let me just say at this point that my MIL has never been officially diagnosed with NPD.  My therapist of several years ago suggested it (and he had met her) and I'm 90% sure from my schooling that she has it, but it is not official.  Being around someone who has NPD can make you feel like you're losing your mind.  Which is how I ended up seeking counseling and additionally how I ended up pursuing a marriage and family therapy degree myself.  


So....what was it like?  When my husband and I first got married I didn't even notice anything was off with her.  She wasn't at our wedding for personal reasons, but did come to the reception which was several days later.  Looking back at the pictures from our reception, she had her arm wrapped around her son in every picture.  She was very threatened at that point , and the very first thing she said to me after we'd arrived in town was "I hope I like you better than his first wife.  I hated her."  Happily for us, we lived in California and she lived in Kentucky.  The Air Force doesn't particularly care where your family lives as your home becomes wherever they send you.


We were pretty much left alone for the first 2.5 years of our marriage.  When I asked my husband later why that was, he replied "She just thought we were going to get divorced."  Then I got pregnant.  This was a very weird time for me because throughout our entire marriage my husband had wanted to have a baby, and I was the one who kept saying no.  I honestly thought I'd be a horrible mom, but looking back on it I really think this was from issues with my first boyfriend who was horrible.  Anyhow, I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was pregnant, and all these hormonal changes were happening to my body, and my mother-in-law all of the sudden would not get out of my life.  I swear she shared my pregnancy, which made me extremely uncomfortable because I wasn't comfortable with being preggo or with her.  Each week she's send some new baby thing and she was talking to my husband all the time about what she was going to do with the baby once she was born (yes, we knew it was a girl.)  I really did wonder sometimes just who was pregnant.


When I was six months pregnant we found out my husband was going to Korea for a year.  Yes, you read that right - a year.  He actually left when Bess was 6 months old.  He and I made the decision that I should go and stay with my parents while he was overseas.  We both thought it would be better for Bess and I to be around family while he was gone.  If I could get a do-over on that we would have kept ourselves in California.  However, live and learn.  


Living with my parents was actually pretty great.  The problem was that I was only 1.5 hours away from the MIL.  And in her world any time away from Bess was too much time.  At first my parents invited her to our house because it was easier on everyone for her to come to us.  And then the weird started.  The MIL has a heart condition that she was born with and occasionally she has to get tests and things done for that.  It doesn't help that she is severely overweight - it only puts more pressure on her heart.  Anyhow, she was talking about this procedure she had to have done.  "I hope everything goes well because if it doesn't, who will take care of Renee (her sister), and Mom, and Bess" she sighed dramatically.  My mother and I looked at each other, both wondering if she was serious.  Thing is, she was very serious.  Because people who have NPD have an image of themselves that must be upheld at all times or they devolve. And they are not happy people when they devolve.  And in her world, everybody revolved around her.  So it made sense in her head that if something happened to her, her world would fall apart.  Can you see where this is leading?


So I had to deal with the MIL who very much believed that Bess' world would fall apart if (1) anything happened to the MIL and (2) she didn't get to see enough of the MIL.  I also got to deal with her calling my husband overseas anytime she didn't get the answer she wanted from me, and brow-beating, guilt-tripping, and sometimes just shaming him into giving her permission to do whatever she wanted.  With my baby.  There were times I wondered why I was even there because my husband was unknowingly taking away my motherhood while he was enabling her NPD.


There was one truly horrible thing that happened while he was still gone.  And at least part of this was the MIL's fault simply because she put her needs ahead of what I think of as manners.  The MIL is an LCSW (licensed counselor of social work) and she sometimes has trouble taking that hat off when she's not at work.  I had made plans with her to bring Bess up for a long weekend so that she could see the baby.  Unbeknownst to me, she had a friend in town who was de-toxing from alcoholism.  This friend calls her unexpectedly and tells her she can't stay where she had been & needed a place.  MIL says come stay with me.  Which would have been fine except this is the same weekend that my baby & are I staying with her.  She told me NOTHING about her friend until I'd already driven the distance to her house.  It was close to evening time and I didn't want to go back to my parent's house because Bess traveled horribly in the car after dark.  So we stayed that night & the next day I told her, and other of my husband's family members that I wasn't comfortable with the situation.  Everyone basically blew me off, told me it would be fine.  My husband was at the time still in the "You need to try harder to get along with her" mode so nothing I said to him really made a difference at that point.  The next morning I woke up, was getting cereal for Bess, and noticed the MIL's friend talking to someone in the bedroom down the hall.  I went down to say hi to whoever it was & there was no one in there but her.  She proceeded to tell me she was talking to her children who she thought were playing hide and seek in a chair and somewhere else in the room.  Every freaking hair on my head stood up.  I didn't know this woman, I didn't know what she was capable of, and my damn MIL was nowhere to be found.  I put the dog outside, grabbed my cell phone, locked myself in the bedroom where Bess was & started calling people.  Because I only had the MIL's house # and not her cell #.  I got in touch with my parents who told me to leave and leave at once.  If I had that probably would have been the end of my marriage.  I got Renee's phone number from them & probably a bit hysterically told her what was going on.  She called the MIL who then called the house & left a message on the answering machine that she was on her way back.  And my hands are really shaking right now while I type all this up.  Anyway...it was scary as hell, and when it was all over the MIL sat down & told me I should trust her.  I had no words.  I just wanted to be far and away from her.  While none of us could have known that a drug the friend was on could cause psychosis in detoxing alcoholics, I still blame the MIL for just not cancelling that weekend.  We could have rescheduled.  But she always puts her needs in front of everything else, and that time it ended really badly.


And my husband's first words to me after all that were "Are you & Bess okay?  You know it wasn't Mom's fault, right?"  


It has been a very long and trying road for us.  I'll write some about what happened after he got back from Korea and we moved to New Mexico another time.  It does amaze me in a good way that we've been able to work through most of this issues with his mother in our marriage.