Helplessness is not a feeling I deal with very well. There have been several times in my life when helplessness became overwhelming (Lightning's birth with transposition of the great arteries and all that entailed being one of them) and I really have to fight not to just curl up into a ball and let the world fade away. Still haven't pinpointed it (although I'm thinking it had a lot to do with the dolphins celebrating my birthday this year) but something has shifted within me. Instead of giving in to the helplessness of not being able to do very much about the many things affecting my life right now I'm choosing a different tactic. I'm going to look at my strengths and do what I can to make small changes in my world.
Having a chronic nerve pain condition along with hypoglycemia has made it difficult for me to do anything physical for long amounts of time anymore. I can still do a reasonable amount of work, but I can't start a lawn mower. Accepting that you simply can't do the things you used to be able to do with ease was difficult. But. Thanks to my education and my life experience there are lots of other things I can do to help both myself and others. I've got a plan in works right now that will help a great many people, but I'm making myself wait for it to come together instead of trying to rush it. The Universe seems to be intent on helping with this, so I'm going to let it come together in its own time.
Another thing I can do to help both myself and others: There will be a new additional section to my Narcissism Resources post on dealing with a President-Elect who has NPD (that's narcissism personality disorder to any newcomers.) Quite frankly DT's electoral college win terrified me because I've lived with a person who has NPD in my life and they are just the worst to deal with. Especially if they're in a position of power. So...there will be new articles and information available soon in that area.
The kitten we rescued in Hazard, KY ended up being a 2 year old male cat who was so malnourished he looked like a kitten. Ginger has now been neutered and has his shots (that was a bit of an ordeal, but he was fine when I picked him up) and we're very slowly introducing the two cats. Calypso is handling it better than I expected her to. Based on her behaviors now, I'm thinking her previous owner punished her more than praised her. We're giving her lots of reassurances and attention while letting Ginger get used to being inside the house and so far all is going well.
I'm also going to be doing more tarot readings and posting them here in case anyone else is interested in seeing them. Part of being an INFJ personality type is getting flashes of crap affecting people and not being able to do a damn thing about it. It pretty much sucks. Tarot helps me interpret what some of those flashes are.
Another thing I'm doing more of is EEG neurofeedback at the office where I work. We have a protcol called Alpha Theta that really helps with PTSD. Neurofeedback has been helping me cope with some of my PTSD symptoms. When I do Alpha Theta I will often feel as if I'm making a connection to the Universe that I've been lacking for a very long time. It's helping me let go of some of the shame and helplessness that CSA instills in children and adults.
That's pretty much it for now. I'll try to update fairly frequently, but since the Holiday Death Spiral is in full spin don't count on it. There are cookies to bake, gifts to wrap, and mother in laws not to decapitate.
Showing posts with label NPD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NPD. Show all posts
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Recommendation versus Reality
So I talked to a friend of mine about this frustration I was feeling watching videos put up by well intentioned psychologists and other professionals on how to get out of a narcissistic relationship. (Or any emotionally abusive relationship for that matter.) She was also frustrated (for the same reason I was) so I decided to write about it just in case there are others out there feeling the same thing.
Most of the videos on youtube by mental health professionals on this subject feature a well dressed, older individual who obviously has no financial worries. In contrast, a lot of the people in these situations are living paycheck to paycheck. Some of them worry about keeping a roof over their heads for both themselves and their children. To hear an educated individual tell someone who's already struggling financially to "put some money away in an emergency fund until the time comes when you can leave" almost makes it feel worse. It makes it feel like getting away to safety is an even more impossible goal because you know you have to choose between the possibility of safety and keeping your kids fed, clothed, and housed. This is not the best way to be helpful to people with lower socioeconomic status, but I really do think these videos are coming from a well-intentioned place. Most mental health providers really want to help people, so I think it's just a lack of understanding that many people in these types of relationships just don't have the funds for this type of escape route.
In a perfect worldhahaha imagine that cuz it's sure not happening right now there'd be a system set up to help people get out of these types of relationships. That's not ever going to happen, so here's a bit of fantasy that just might be possible. Remember the underground railroad? Something similar could be set up with families or individuals who have money to help out families who don't get out of these awful relationships. Because the reality is that most of us can't just up and leave. We don't have the income for that. But if there was a way for us to flee safely and not have to worry about feeding, clothing, and housing our kids in the beginning, that would make it a viable goal. And that would give us hope. In abusive relationships it's sometimes very hard to hold onto the idea of hope.
So there's my fantasy for others like me who can't leave because of basic need issues. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you can't leave, don't beat yourself up. Take care of yourself as best you can just get through it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. If you have children teach them not to take this kind of behavior from others as adults. And if a time comes when you can get it, don't hesitate. Take your kids and run because you deserve better than this.
Most of the videos on youtube by mental health professionals on this subject feature a well dressed, older individual who obviously has no financial worries. In contrast, a lot of the people in these situations are living paycheck to paycheck. Some of them worry about keeping a roof over their heads for both themselves and their children. To hear an educated individual tell someone who's already struggling financially to "put some money away in an emergency fund until the time comes when you can leave" almost makes it feel worse. It makes it feel like getting away to safety is an even more impossible goal because you know you have to choose between the possibility of safety and keeping your kids fed, clothed, and housed. This is not the best way to be helpful to people with lower socioeconomic status, but I really do think these videos are coming from a well-intentioned place. Most mental health providers really want to help people, so I think it's just a lack of understanding that many people in these types of relationships just don't have the funds for this type of escape route.
In a perfect world
So there's my fantasy for others like me who can't leave because of basic need issues. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you can't leave, don't beat yourself up. Take care of yourself as best you can just get through it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. If you have children teach them not to take this kind of behavior from others as adults. And if a time comes when you can get it, don't hesitate. Take your kids and run because you deserve better than this.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
A Delicate Balance
Last week or so I posted a video on Twitter that had a really good description of narcissistic behavior. The video's called How to speak to a narcissist and is by Dr. Greg Hamlin and about halfway through it he talks about the title of the video - speaking to a narcissist. A fellow person who's had a Narcissist in their life (I'll call her Z) tweeted that appealing to a narcissist's needs felt like manipulation. So I'm going to talk about that a bit cuz it brings up this really interesting point about empathy.
There have been numerous psychological studies done on human children to see if empathy is something we're taught or if it's ingrained. The general consensus is that it's a combination of both nature and nurture, but that by the age of 9 months most children are capable of showing empathy to another human being.
When it comes to narcissists there are a ton of theories on why these people are empathy deficient. Personally I think a combination of things make up a narcissist, but whatever it is that makes them the way they are makes it very difficult to try to understand why someone else would be hurting, or upset, or feeling used. Anger they can understand, but those more subtle emotions are really beyond their ability to recognize. Enter into this a person who's extremely empathetic...they get when a person is hurting or upset or feeling used. They instinctively try to make that other person feel better. The narcissist will jump all over this person because this person gives their attention to them freely, at least in the beginning. In a normal relationship (which is what the empathetic person is used to) there is a give and take. An exchange happens in a normal, healthy relationship (whether it's a friendship or a romance) so that each person receives support and feels like they are appreciated. Unfortunately, when one person in a relationship is a narcissist, the relationship becomes a vacuum with the narcissist constantly pulling from the other person.
The great thing about the comment that started this little post is that saying 'it feels like manipulation to appeal to a narcissist's needs' shows that the person making that comment is very high in empathy. Because if you're worried that you're hurting them, then you're feeling something a true narcissist can't.
The other thing I wanted to mention is how invested in the relationship the narcissist is. I haven't seen this discussed much, and have only my own experience with my mother-in-law Narcissist to go by, so take this with a grain of salt. The example in the video is of someone going to talk to their boss, who is a narcissist. In this example the narcissist has an investment in the relationship, but it isn't an emotional investment so negotiating both parties' needs might be relatively easy.Keep in mind I mean relatively easy in terms of dealing with a narcissist. If the narcissist in your life has no emotional investment in the relationship with you then forget about any negotiations. If there is an emotional investment then the narcissist may attempt to compromise on some points and the other half of the relationship may get some of their needs met. But. That won't happen unless the narcissist is getting something to fill that vacuum I mentioned earlier. And typically if the narcissist isn't invested then they're getting nothing in that emotional vacuum of theirs from that particular relationship.
So my big take away from this whole thing is - it's good to be empathetic, but you've also got to watch out for yourself. Self care means stepping back from relationships that leave you feeling drained or vacuumed out. It really is okay to say no, step back, and leave some people to fend for themselves. Sometimes as an INFJ and HSP this can be difficult, but not stepping back is worse.
There have been numerous psychological studies done on human children to see if empathy is something we're taught or if it's ingrained. The general consensus is that it's a combination of both nature and nurture, but that by the age of 9 months most children are capable of showing empathy to another human being.
When it comes to narcissists there are a ton of theories on why these people are empathy deficient. Personally I think a combination of things make up a narcissist, but whatever it is that makes them the way they are makes it very difficult to try to understand why someone else would be hurting, or upset, or feeling used. Anger they can understand, but those more subtle emotions are really beyond their ability to recognize. Enter into this a person who's extremely empathetic...they get when a person is hurting or upset or feeling used. They instinctively try to make that other person feel better. The narcissist will jump all over this person because this person gives their attention to them freely, at least in the beginning. In a normal relationship (which is what the empathetic person is used to) there is a give and take. An exchange happens in a normal, healthy relationship (whether it's a friendship or a romance) so that each person receives support and feels like they are appreciated. Unfortunately, when one person in a relationship is a narcissist, the relationship becomes a vacuum with the narcissist constantly pulling from the other person.
The great thing about the comment that started this little post is that saying 'it feels like manipulation to appeal to a narcissist's needs' shows that the person making that comment is very high in empathy. Because if you're worried that you're hurting them, then you're feeling something a true narcissist can't.
The other thing I wanted to mention is how invested in the relationship the narcissist is. I haven't seen this discussed much, and have only my own experience with my mother-in-law Narcissist to go by, so take this with a grain of salt. The example in the video is of someone going to talk to their boss, who is a narcissist. In this example the narcissist has an investment in the relationship, but it isn't an emotional investment so negotiating both parties' needs might be relatively easy.
So my big take away from this whole thing is - it's good to be empathetic, but you've also got to watch out for yourself. Self care means stepping back from relationships that leave you feeling drained or vacuumed out. It really is okay to say no, step back, and leave some people to fend for themselves. Sometimes as an INFJ and HSP this can be difficult, but not stepping back is worse.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Loss and Life in General
So far 2016 has not been an easy year for me. Was given the skin cancer diagnosis on January 21st and things have been pretty par for the course since then. The trials and tribulations of being married to an adult child of a narcissist (who also happens to be in complete denial of the face that his mother is a narcissist) have not gotten any easier. This past Monday (March 7) we found out the counselor we've been working with for months died suddenly and unexpectedly. It affected me quite profoundly and has left me feeling the loss of the support he provided. At this point I'm not willing to even consider finding another counselor because we put in so much emotional work and I just don't feel like I can do that again anytime soon. Building a good relationship with any counselor is crucial to getting anything constructive done and I just don't have the emotional energy available for that. The other part of this, of course, is dealing with Donald's constant need for reassurance at the expense of my feeling of emotional stability. It's not a good combination and with the death of our counselor the separation will probably come sooner rather than later. The other major issue with Father Eugene's unexpected death is I'm now left with either finding another counselor who's dealt with childhood sexual trauma before or just dealing with it on my own. And right now I just don't know how to proceed with that.
Update on the pre-op appointment is next, although if you've got a problem with needles you may want to stop reading here.
So...it might be best to talk a bit about the mass that was removed from my right eyelid in December before I get into the pre-op info. The ophthalmologist at Langley AFB and an assistant removed the bulk of the tumor on my eyelid with a local anesthetic. This means they used lots of eye drops the numb the hell out of my eye, and finally inserted a needle with general anesthetic several places around the eyelid and finally into the eye itself. It sucked. I'm not afraid of needles and could get shots all day long, but having a needled inserted into my eyeball was quite anxiety producing. After that needle it was a piece of cake.
Now, moving on to the pre-op....the very nice dermatology specialists had several of us folks who were going to be receiving MOHS surgery to have their cancer tumors removed watch a video. The video was great except that it talked about taking some extra tissue around the actual tumor to ensure all the cancer was removed. That particular method isn't going to work well with me because there IS no extra tissue on the human eyelid. The other issue the video raised that concerned me was the fact that is talked about doing multiple sessions of general anesthetic to get all the cancer.
I was less than thrilled by the idea of having a needle go into my eyeball not only once, but possibly several times. It was a concern I raised with the surgeon who was understanding, but said the only other possibility was to put me to sleep for the day so they could do the removals as necessary. Being put to sleep was not a thrilling idea either because I need to be able to eat frequently to manage my hypoglycemia.There are times I'm amazed my body functions at all with the multitude of individual problems it has. The surgeon was confident he'd be able to remove the mass in one go, but of course he can't guarantee that because once the mass is off they have to cut the skin into layers and look at each layer under a microscope to make sure they got all the cancerous tissue off. So we decided that instead of having to go through my eye more than once he'd instead go through a nerve in my mouth. Which I'm much more on board for, so yay I suppose. The surgery itself is scheduled for May 10 and we've pretty much been told to expect to be at the hospital for most of the day.
The other super great thing that happened is I got the results back from the biopsy done on the other side of my face. It's showing pre-cancerous (which means it's on its way to becoming cancerous, but isn't quite there yet) which brought me a lecture todo all the things I'm already doing when I'm in the Sun but hey, who's counting wear sunscreen and reapply every two hours, wear a wide-brimmed hat, put on clothing with SPF, and wear sunglasses. Okay, I don't wear sunglasses all that often because I have prescription glasses, but I guess I'll be wearing them over the summer now. Ugh. At least I know when the hell they're going to cut my eyelid now -_-
Update on the pre-op appointment is next, although if you've got a problem with needles you may want to stop reading here.
So...it might be best to talk a bit about the mass that was removed from my right eyelid in December before I get into the pre-op info. The ophthalmologist at Langley AFB and an assistant removed the bulk of the tumor on my eyelid with a local anesthetic. This means they used lots of eye drops the numb the hell out of my eye, and finally inserted a needle with general anesthetic several places around the eyelid and finally into the eye itself. It sucked. I'm not afraid of needles and could get shots all day long, but having a needled inserted into my eyeball was quite anxiety producing. After that needle it was a piece of cake.
Now, moving on to the pre-op....the very nice dermatology specialists had several of us folks who were going to be receiving MOHS surgery to have their cancer tumors removed watch a video. The video was great except that it talked about taking some extra tissue around the actual tumor to ensure all the cancer was removed. That particular method isn't going to work well with me because there IS no extra tissue on the human eyelid. The other issue the video raised that concerned me was the fact that is talked about doing multiple sessions of general anesthetic to get all the cancer.
I was less than thrilled by the idea of having a needle go into my eyeball not only once, but possibly several times. It was a concern I raised with the surgeon who was understanding, but said the only other possibility was to put me to sleep for the day so they could do the removals as necessary. Being put to sleep was not a thrilling idea either because I need to be able to eat frequently to manage my hypoglycemia.
The other super great thing that happened is I got the results back from the biopsy done on the other side of my face. It's showing pre-cancerous (which means it's on its way to becoming cancerous, but isn't quite there yet) which brought me a lecture to
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Round and Round we go
It's been a couple of weeks since the last counseling session Donald and I went to. (Feels so odd using the handle of Donald for the spouse since Trump is EVERYWHERE online right now, but that's the name we're sticking with for blogging purposes.) Overall it was a good counseling session for me. Not so much for Donald, but that's mainly because he's having to deal with some hard truths and he's so very steeped in denial that it's like his world is crumbling.
The counselor asked us how we were doing since the holidays and Donald and I just looked at each other uncomfortably. I've noticed my tolerance for his defense mechanisms and the general bullshit that surrounds his family of origin is pretty much gone since getting the skin cancer diagnosis and this session really showed it. One of the first things I said to the counselor was that the holidays really showcased for meespecially since we'd done all that work in counseling right before the holidays that as long as I'm married to Donald I'll be taking second place to his mother. (For anyone who's reading this and is confused just follow the NPD and dysfunctional family tags on the blog and you'll catch up really quickly.) The counselor simply nodded to acknowledge this fact while Donald's comeback was 'I don't think you'll be happy until I cut her out of my life.' Now. There's a huge difference between letting your mother control you which is what's been happening the 15.5 years of our marriage and setting healthy boundaries. Donald is unable to see this because he was raised with the understanding that to show love to your mother is to let her make all your decisions.
I gave the example of the N taking video of Bess over Thanksgiving and lying to her about it. The counselor agreed with me that this was a breach of trust, especially given that Donald has basically tried to place the N in a position of power over our family. The counselor castigated Donald for not taking any action in the situation. There was then a discussion where the counselor advised Donald he really needed to listen to me in regards to boundaries and the overall safety of the kids because my instincts were very good whereas he was too passive. This was so very validating for me because for YEARS Donald has told me I'm too aggressive in dealing with the N which is bullshit. I'm building boundaries and standing up for myself and the kids. But the whole setting boundaries thing goes against everything he was ever taught going up, so of course he'd find it aggressive. The power differential in his family of origin is ridiculously tilted in his mother's favor, but rather than acknowledge any of this Donald would rather stay within his cloud of denial. It makes his life with his mother safer for him, but it makes life hell for me and the kids.
The other major thing that came up in the counseling session was what happened when I set a boundary with the N. She'd sent us both an email that had no text and only had an appointment time at JC Penney portrait studios. The subject line said pictures for me and the kids. I asked Donald if she'd said anything to him about this over Thanksgiving and of course she hadn't. We both felt the email was demanding so I handled it. I replied to her email with one stating we didn't mind that she wanted pics with the kids, but we did mind that with no prior warning she'd sent us an appointment date and just expected us to comply with it. I also pointed out that she could've said something to one of us while we were all at the Aunt's home for Thanksgiving. Finally, I told her that she needed to give us a heads up for anything like pictures with the kids so we could be prepared instead of feeling like we had to drop everything to make this happen. Her reply simply stated she'd discussed it with Donald over the Summer and she'd take my request into consideration for the future.
After explaining what had happened to the counselor he agreed that she treated me as inferior. He also praised me for standing up for myself and the kids because Bess hadn't wanted to do the pictures for the simple reason that we'd had no notice. The boys didn't really care, and that was fine. Other than the N being an N the thing that really irritated me about the whole thing was all Donald did was try to soothe his mother's ruffled feathers. He never really backed me up which is basically how this marriage works. I'm on my own trying to take care of myself and the kids and he's constantly trying to take care of the N.
So goals for the year continue to be: become cancer free; get gainful employment; and get separated. Finishing up the last class of this master's degree and it's a doozy. But it will end and eventually life will become less complicated. Spring is coming soon and I can't wait to welcome it back ;-)
The counselor asked us how we were doing since the holidays and Donald and I just looked at each other uncomfortably. I've noticed my tolerance for his defense mechanisms and the general bullshit that surrounds his family of origin is pretty much gone since getting the skin cancer diagnosis and this session really showed it. One of the first things I said to the counselor was that the holidays really showcased for me
I gave the example of the N taking video of Bess over Thanksgiving and lying to her about it. The counselor agreed with me that this was a breach of trust, especially given that Donald has basically tried to place the N in a position of power over our family. The counselor castigated Donald for not taking any action in the situation. There was then a discussion where the counselor advised Donald he really needed to listen to me in regards to boundaries and the overall safety of the kids because my instincts were very good whereas he was too passive. This was so very validating for me because for YEARS Donald has told me I'm too aggressive in dealing with the N which is bullshit. I'm building boundaries and standing up for myself and the kids. But the whole setting boundaries thing goes against everything he was ever taught going up, so of course he'd find it aggressive. The power differential in his family of origin is ridiculously tilted in his mother's favor, but rather than acknowledge any of this Donald would rather stay within his cloud of denial. It makes his life with his mother safer for him, but it makes life hell for me and the kids.
The other major thing that came up in the counseling session was what happened when I set a boundary with the N. She'd sent us both an email that had no text and only had an appointment time at JC Penney portrait studios. The subject line said pictures for me and the kids. I asked Donald if she'd said anything to him about this over Thanksgiving and of course she hadn't. We both felt the email was demanding so I handled it. I replied to her email with one stating we didn't mind that she wanted pics with the kids, but we did mind that with no prior warning she'd sent us an appointment date and just expected us to comply with it. I also pointed out that she could've said something to one of us while we were all at the Aunt's home for Thanksgiving. Finally, I told her that she needed to give us a heads up for anything like pictures with the kids so we could be prepared instead of feeling like we had to drop everything to make this happen. Her reply simply stated she'd discussed it with Donald over the Summer and she'd take my request into consideration for the future.
After explaining what had happened to the counselor he agreed that she treated me as inferior. He also praised me for standing up for myself and the kids because Bess hadn't wanted to do the pictures for the simple reason that we'd had no notice. The boys didn't really care, and that was fine. Other than the N being an N the thing that really irritated me about the whole thing was all Donald did was try to soothe his mother's ruffled feathers. He never really backed me up which is basically how this marriage works. I'm on my own trying to take care of myself and the kids and he's constantly trying to take care of the N.
So goals for the year continue to be: become cancer free; get gainful employment; and get separated. Finishing up the last class of this master's degree and it's a doozy. But it will end and eventually life will become less complicated. Spring is coming soon and I can't wait to welcome it back ;-)
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Surviving Thanksgiving
Okay so Thanksgiving is never super duper fun for me because in the back of my mind there is always but this is about the massacre of an indigenous culture not happy Euro Americans stuffing their faces and it bugs me that other people don't really get that. But. This year we decided to go to Donald's aunt and uncle's house for the dreaded Turkey feast. Cuz it would be less stressful and junk. For the love of any God somebody please remind me that going somewhere for Thanksgiving is never EVER a good a idea. Yeah that didn't work so much.
So....it took us six bloody hours to get to the bloody location of the Turkey feast. Traffic out of Hampton Roads was never this bad when we were hurri-vacing, but it was awful for Thanksgiving. By the time we finally arrived at our destination we were all too tired to do more than mumble a few words at the relatives and head off to bed. The next day was the feast itself and we knew that Donald's motherthe Sideline Narcissist for anyone who doesn't ever look at all this crap I write would be there that day. What we didn't know was that she was staying. The Entire. Time. Really I should have just run into traffic at that point. The fam would have the insureance money and I'd be out of my holiday misery. But I digress. What we also didn't know was that ten other people would be crowding into the house for the roast beast. Now, anyone who knows anything about Introverts realizes what a problem this is. We're basically talking Introvert Hell here people. It was terrible. Went down into the basement to hide out and breathe for as long as I felt I could without being rude as all get out. Managed to choke down some of the roast beast and other food type things. Two hours later when all the extra people had gone away oh look the air really did clear out because I could breathe again I think someone mentioned the N was staying. This was when I really wanted to walk out into traffic. I didn't, obviously. But....the dread and anxiety of the whole visit made the traffic on Sunday really not that bad.
So anyway I did all I could to not be miserable. Used the SAD light, took the Vitamin D3, and tried to be as social as I could. Then Bess and I got sick. Yep. Stomach bugs are the Devil.
And it was all very uncomfortable as the N would do her passive aggressive thingalways when Donald wasn't around and there I was in a house not my own thinking well shit. If I call her on this crap then I'm going to be starting something with her in their house and they think of her as their sister and aren't I just fucked right now? So. Again. For future reference journeying to a family member's home for celebrating the end of indigenous culture day is just the worst idea ever.
There was an incident with Bess and the N that I didn't realize had happened until later. Bess found out the N had recorded her after telling her that she wasn't recording her. So...the N violated her personal boundaries by doing this without her permission. Bess was very worried that the N would post said video taken very much without consent on Facebook. So as she's freaking out about that at home she asks if Donald or I should address the issue. My answer ended up being well she cares more about her relationship with you than with me, and Dad's asleep right now so why don't you just text her? Tell her what you told me.
So Bess did that and stood up for herself and got the whole mess sorted. But. She also now knows that her Grandmother will willingly lie to her. And I expect will probably lie to her again. So that relationship is now in the N's hands because Bess won't put up with tactics such as those. I've taught her over the years that manipulations such as those only hurt her and they're not worth her time. It will be very interesting to see how that all plays out.
Now if I can just get through this coming weekend when the N is coming out to give the kids their Christmas gifts. Thankfully I'll have lots of studying to do. At Starbucks.
So....it took us six bloody hours to get to the bloody location of the Turkey feast. Traffic out of Hampton Roads was never this bad when we were hurri-vacing, but it was awful for Thanksgiving. By the time we finally arrived at our destination we were all too tired to do more than mumble a few words at the relatives and head off to bed. The next day was the feast itself and we knew that Donald's mother
So anyway I did all I could to not be miserable. Used the SAD light, took the Vitamin D3, and tried to be as social as I could. Then Bess and I got sick. Yep. Stomach bugs are the Devil.
And it was all very uncomfortable as the N would do her passive aggressive thing
There was an incident with Bess and the N that I didn't realize had happened until later. Bess found out the N had recorded her after telling her that she wasn't recording her. So...the N violated her personal boundaries by doing this without her permission. Bess was very worried that the N would post said video taken very much without consent on Facebook. So as she's freaking out about that at home she asks if Donald or I should address the issue. My answer ended up being well she cares more about her relationship with you than with me, and Dad's asleep right now so why don't you just text her? Tell her what you told me.
So Bess did that and stood up for herself and got the whole mess sorted. But. She also now knows that her Grandmother will willingly lie to her. And I expect will probably lie to her again. So that relationship is now in the N's hands because Bess won't put up with tactics such as those. I've taught her over the years that manipulations such as those only hurt her and they're not worth her time. It will be very interesting to see how that all plays out.
Now if I can just get through this coming weekend when the N is coming out to give the kids their Christmas gifts. Thankfully I'll have lots of studying to do. At Starbucks.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Tis the Season/Holiday Death Spiral
Some good news to share, finally! I bought a Suntouch Plus light therapy lamp by Naturebright to help with my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Cuz going to bed at 7 pm is just not cutting it. That and I'm tired of being tired all November through March. This particular light comes with an ionizer if you buy the separate attachment, which I didn't. Here is information on the model I bought if anyone is interested. It's a small, portable lamp and was under $100 which fit better into our budget. I've been using it for a little over a week now and damn....I wish I'd bought this thing 3 years ago when my SAD first started getting bad. The energy boost is amazing and even though the depression doesn't go away, it does become more manageable. I also take a Vitamin D3 supplement, which helps, but this light has made a HUGE difference in a very positive way. One note of caution: light therapy lamps should not be used by anyone with bipolar disorder.
Other good news: we are finallysupposedly anyway done with the home in New Mexico. I heard from my Dept. of Veterans Affairs case manager that Carrington Mortgages officially signed off the deed-in-lieu for the house on Nov. 3. Unsurprisingly I'm still getting mail from the mortgage company who hasn't updated their files. So once I send a letter off to them stating the VA has it signed off in their system we should be free of that house. A really big part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop on this, but for now I'm going to be optimistic.
We have Thanksgiving coming up next Thursday and we're actually going to Donald's aunt's home this year. I've got mixed feelings as the Sideline Narcissist will also be there and quite frankly I just don't want to deal with the bullshit drama that accompanies her. So I will be bringing pumpkin pie, study material, flash drives, and headphones to keep myself sane during the holiday.
Believe it or not we've already started Christmas shopping!I feel so flippin' accomplished cuz this hasn't happened in YEARS. I also managed to get the kids' teachers' goodie bags out this week, so huzzah! When we return from the Thanksgiving festivities there are even more cookies to bake & I need to get more cookie tins. There is hope all this crap will get done now that I'm using the light therapy lamp. But many, many naps will be had to make it all possible.
Other good news: we are finally
We have Thanksgiving coming up next Thursday and we're actually going to Donald's aunt's home this year. I've got mixed feelings as the Sideline Narcissist will also be there and quite frankly I just don't want to deal with the bullshit drama that accompanies her. So I will be bringing pumpkin pie, study material, flash drives, and headphones to keep myself sane during the holiday.
Believe it or not we've already started Christmas shopping!
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Narcissism Resources
I’ve been dealing with Narcissism for about twelve years
now. Little did I know it at the time,
but I married into a family who had three members who were extreme Narcissists with enough diagnostic
criteria to match Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or NPD). Once I figured out NPD was actually a thing
and I wasn’t losing my mind, I looked all over the internet for information on
it. As I found websites, blogs,
articles, and people on Twitter who were also dealing with someone who had NPD
in their lives it occurred to me it might be a really good idea to put some of
these resources into a blog post.
Because those of us dealing with NPD people need all the help we can
get. So…here it is. I really hope it’s helpful and please feel
free to add any additional resources in the comments J
Websites
This was the very first website I found on NPD. The author has since transitioned, but a
family member has kept the site up and running bless their heart. This was the first place that let me know I
wasn’t losing my mind in dealing with the N’s in my husband’s family. To this day I know people who go to the site
for affirmation and solace.
This site is for personality disorders and offers forums,
books, links, and maybe most importantly, a section on what to do in an
emergency situation with a person who has a personality disorder.
I set the link for this one on what narcissism is for any
newbies. Great information available
here – definitely check it out.
Online
Communities
This was recommended by a friend who has an N in her
life. Looks like a great community with
resources available.
This community was also recommended by an acquaintance with
an N in her life. Looks like pretty good
stuff!
Online
Articles
Originally I just stuck all the articles up on this post, but
as I found more it occurred to me that it might be helpful to have them a bit
more organized. So here are the
organized online articles:
Tips and
Warnings
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-ellison/the-1-secret-on-how-to-en_b_5785616.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-creativity-cure/201408/if-you-are-the-target-narcissistic-abuse
http://thenarcissisticlife.com/games-narcissists-play/
http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-creativity-cure/201408/if-you-are-the-target-narcissistic-abuse
http://thenarcissisticlife.com/games-narcissists-play/
http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/
Relationships
with a Narcissist
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-and-do-instead
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/when-your-love-is-not-enough_b_8280968.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/when-your-love-is-not-enough_b_8280968.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201410/12-things-narcissists-think
http://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/07/the-narcissists-flying-monkeys/
Gaslighting
http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/gaslit-poem/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=SocialWarfare
https://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/16/the-8-most-common-narc-sadistic-conversation-control-tactics/
http://theearthchild.co.za/gaslighting-as-a-manipulation-tactic-what-it-is-who-does-it-and-why/
https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/happened-friends-were-gaslighted-someone-170000976.html
Blogs
Michelle is hysterically funny and very real. This is a wonderful place to go and visit
when you’re feeling frustrated with the N in your life.
This has become so much more than a blog – you could almost
say it’s become a community for those who have an N in their lives. The blog is written under the pseudonym Jesse
Blayne (anyone who has a Narcissist in their lives will know why this is written under a pseudonym)
and is my very favorite place to go when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Jesse calls us thrivers = survivors of
Narcissism who are thriving. It’s one of
the best feelings to think of yourself that way.
Vlogs
I'll be adding more of these as I come across them. These are video blogs from youtube, so if you'd rather not watch a video then don't click the links.
How to speak to a Narcissist
This vlog has been placed in the top spot because it has an excellent (about 7 minute long) description of narcissistic behavior. This is the first vlog I've seen from Dr. Greg Hamlin, but I'll definitely be checking out more of his stuff.
Signs of Verbal Abuse
This vlog is by Noel McDermott who posts lots of good stuff on Twitter. He gave me permission to post it and I'll be keeping my eye out for any others he puts up.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here's another one by Noel, which does mention narcissists and gaslighting along with other signs of emotional abuse.
Early Warning Signs
Dr. Craig Malkin is doing a series of videos on Narcissism to help people understand if they're dealing with an extreme narcissist in their lives. This video gives some early warning signs of gaslighting.
Diagnosing Narcissism
Noel explains how he diagnoses narcissism and also mentions the best thing you can do if involved with a narcissist is take care of you because the narcissist will rarely want to seek the help they need.
Saying No, Being Loved
Boundaries are so important in any relationship and this vlog gives some good tips on how to set a boundary and deal with fall out from that.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to set firm boundaries. They are meant to protect our inner selves and values.
Empathy and Codependency
It's important to know there's a difference between these two things. Codependency is a sign of being uncomfortable on your own while empathy is a sign of trying to make another person feel better.
Holidays Rock and Hard Place
This vlog was done by a user on You Tube (Narcissism Survivor) who has lots of videos. This particular one talks about the holidays and how to deal with people who don't understand the dysfunctional family system.
Traumatic Relationships
Dr. Craig Malkin talks about how trauma and dealing with a narcissist go hand in hand. Unfortunately, my experience has been that if you've been emotionally traumatized before it tends to attract narcissists and other toxic people.
When the Golden Child Turns
Talks about the scapegoat and golden child in the household of the Narcissist.
You're not Allowed to Have Feelings
Why does the narcissist not allow you to feel? Have you ever had a discussion with a narcissist and been allowed to express your feelings? I'm not sure I agree that narcissists can't feel, but I do believe they believe their feelings mean more than anyone else's.
Triggers, Up and Down
This is a good discussion of how the most normal things can trigger someone who's dealt with a narcissist. This one also talks about childhood sexual trauma so keep that in mind if that's a trigger for you.
The Narcissist's Cycle of Abuse in 4 steps
This vlog is by the You Tube user Understanding Narcissists and presents a good example of the wrath of the Narcissist and how that follows through. Something that really struck me with this one is the need for the Narcissist to be around someone else.
Adult Children of Narcissists
There are so many issues adult children of narcissists face, and many of them don't even realize their childhood was mired with emotional abuse. Others are in complete denial of there ever being a problem. For those who have realized that just because their parents suck doesn't mean they have to suck - these links are for you.
https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/surviving-the-narcissistic-parent-acons-adult-children-of-narcissists/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201205/it-s-all-about-me-recovery-adult-children-narcissist
http://mental-health-matters.com/narcissistic-mothers-and-their-children/
http://www.bustle.com/articles/109435-9-signs-you-have-a-toxic-parent
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201508/one-simple-way-protect-yourself-narcissists
Codependency
On the same note as children who grew up with narcissists as parents there are those who developed codependency because of their relationships with a parent. Here are some places to go and get information on codependency.
https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201412/codependent-or-simply-dependent-what-s-the-big-difference
http://www.whatiscodependency.com/do-you-love-a-narcissist/
http://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships
http://psychcentral.com/lib/codependency-no-more-how-to-recover-from-self-love-deficit-disorder/
Vlogs
I'll be adding more of these as I come across them. These are video blogs from youtube, so if you'd rather not watch a video then don't click the links.
How to speak to a Narcissist
This vlog has been placed in the top spot because it has an excellent (about 7 minute long) description of narcissistic behavior. This is the first vlog I've seen from Dr. Greg Hamlin, but I'll definitely be checking out more of his stuff.
Signs of Verbal Abuse
This vlog is by Noel McDermott who posts lots of good stuff on Twitter. He gave me permission to post it and I'll be keeping my eye out for any others he puts up.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Here's another one by Noel, which does mention narcissists and gaslighting along with other signs of emotional abuse.
Early Warning Signs
Dr. Craig Malkin is doing a series of videos on Narcissism to help people understand if they're dealing with an extreme narcissist in their lives. This video gives some early warning signs of gaslighting.
Diagnosing Narcissism
Noel explains how he diagnoses narcissism and also mentions the best thing you can do if involved with a narcissist is take care of you because the narcissist will rarely want to seek the help they need.
Saying No, Being Loved
Boundaries are so important in any relationship and this vlog gives some good tips on how to set a boundary and deal with fall out from that.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to set firm boundaries. They are meant to protect our inner selves and values.
Empathy and Codependency
It's important to know there's a difference between these two things. Codependency is a sign of being uncomfortable on your own while empathy is a sign of trying to make another person feel better.
Holidays Rock and Hard Place
This vlog was done by a user on You Tube (Narcissism Survivor) who has lots of videos. This particular one talks about the holidays and how to deal with people who don't understand the dysfunctional family system.
Traumatic Relationships
Dr. Craig Malkin talks about how trauma and dealing with a narcissist go hand in hand. Unfortunately, my experience has been that if you've been emotionally traumatized before it tends to attract narcissists and other toxic people.
When the Golden Child Turns
Talks about the scapegoat and golden child in the household of the Narcissist.
You're not Allowed to Have Feelings
Why does the narcissist not allow you to feel? Have you ever had a discussion with a narcissist and been allowed to express your feelings? I'm not sure I agree that narcissists can't feel, but I do believe they believe their feelings mean more than anyone else's.
Triggers, Up and Down
This is a good discussion of how the most normal things can trigger someone who's dealt with a narcissist. This one also talks about childhood sexual trauma so keep that in mind if that's a trigger for you.
The Narcissist's Cycle of Abuse in 4 steps
This vlog is by the You Tube user Understanding Narcissists and presents a good example of the wrath of the Narcissist and how that follows through. Something that really struck me with this one is the need for the Narcissist to be around someone else.
Adult Children of Narcissists
There are so many issues adult children of narcissists face, and many of them don't even realize their childhood was mired with emotional abuse. Others are in complete denial of there ever being a problem. For those who have realized that just because their parents suck doesn't mean they have to suck - these links are for you.
https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/surviving-the-narcissistic-parent-acons-adult-children-of-narcissists/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201205/it-s-all-about-me-recovery-adult-children-narcissist
http://mental-health-matters.com/narcissistic-mothers-and-their-children/
http://www.bustle.com/articles/109435-9-signs-you-have-a-toxic-parent
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201508/one-simple-way-protect-yourself-narcissists
Codependency
On the same note as children who grew up with narcissists as parents there are those who developed codependency because of their relationships with a parent. Here are some places to go and get information on codependency.
https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201412/codependent-or-simply-dependent-what-s-the-big-difference
http://www.whatiscodependency.com/do-you-love-a-narcissist/
http://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships
http://psychcentral.com/lib/codependency-no-more-how-to-recover-from-self-love-deficit-disorder/
Books –
Coming Soon!
There are a couple of books I'll be adding to this section soon. And as with all the other sections I'll keep adding books as I find them.
The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
This book isn't about NPD per se, but it is about what happens to kids whose parents can't actually take care of them. Most of the situations in here are about abused kids, or kids raised by alcoholics, but what I noticed is these parents have the same inability to empathize with their kids as a narcissistic parent has. So, I'm listing it here because it was helpful to me and I hope it will help others, as well. The actual book review I wrote can be found here.
The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
This book isn't about NPD per se, but it is about what happens to kids whose parents can't actually take care of them. Most of the situations in here are about abused kids, or kids raised by alcoholics, but what I noticed is these parents have the same inability to empathize with their kids as a narcissistic parent has. So, I'm listing it here because it was helpful to me and I hope it will help others, as well. The actual book review I wrote can be found here.
Other
Stuff
Humor is one of the best methods of dealing with NPD in my personal opinion. So again, in no particular order, are some funny resources:
If anyone wants bigger copies of these please let me know and I can email them to you. The last picture is from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and I would LOVE to have General Armstrong take care of each and every Narcissist I've ever had to deal with.
This idea is hysterically funny when you think of a Narcissist receiving it, but unlike the previous three funnies this one comes with a common sense warning. If you have realized someone in your life is a Narcissist then you have probably been on the receiving end of their rage. While any other person would laugh off getting glitter bombed, a narcissist may very well harass the company until they get the personal information for the individual who slighted them. Read the FAQ section (located via link at the bottom of the website) carefully and seriously consider if the Narcissist is still in your life whether glitter bombing them is worth the havoc that will ensue. With that in mind I give you:
https://shipyourenemiesglitter.com/
This idea is hysterically funny when you think of a Narcissist receiving it, but unlike the previous three funnies this one comes with a common sense warning. If you have realized someone in your life is a Narcissist then you have probably been on the receiving end of their rage. While any other person would laugh off getting glitter bombed, a narcissist may very well harass the company until they get the personal information for the individual who slighted them. Read the FAQ section (located via link at the bottom of the website) carefully and seriously consider if the Narcissist is still in your life whether glitter bombing them is worth the havoc that will ensue. With that in mind I give you:
https://shipyourenemiesglitter.com/
I'm not going to list any Twitter users because some of us like our privacy, but if you do a search for #NPD it should bring up quite a few of us. Please feel free to join in the discussion, but know that Twitter has a wonderful feature called Block. (Yes we've been trolled by Narcissists on Twitter, too.)
Friday, January 23, 2015
The Latest Holiday Mess
I
waited until long after the holidays were over to write this because the
holidays tend to make me oh so reactive
& I tend to not write blogs well in that state. It’s the insane amount of stress that the
holidays induce which makes me such fun person to be around in November and
December. That and the inevitable visit
from the least favorite person in my life -> the Sideline Narcissist (otherwise known as my mother-in-law.)
The irony
here is that Donald (actually had to look
bag at older blog entries to see what his alt name is hee) Bloody Loves the holidays. Of course, his contribution to the holidays
are usually cooking the turkey and putting up the Christmas tree. I handle pretty much all of the rest because
if it were left to Donald it wouldn’t get done.
(Procrastination does not work
well during the holidays.) So while
Donald gets all giddy at the approach of the holidays I pretty much turn into a
zombie who tries to feel as little as possible just to get through it. Yay.
Anyhow, the
inevitable visit occurred as it always does.
And Donald’s anxiety increases as it always does. And the Sideline Narcissist proceeded to
complain about anything and everything in her life because that’s pretty much
her modus operandi. My personal favorite
was when she began to talk about her niece referring to her as “Princess ….” and
definitely not meaning it in an endearing way.
The kicker was the Sideline Narcissist was obviously jealous of her
niece’s relationship with the SN’s sister, but instead of admitting that she
painted the niece as being entitled. (Cue the laughter from those who have ever
dealt with a Narcissist. Cuz this is
pretty much their trademark.) Donald
definitely gets points for this next bit as he interrupted her and asked how “Queen
Narcissist” (obviously he didn’t call her
that, but he did use her first name) would be arranging the visiting times
since she was displeased. It was pretty
epic.
The SN has
made several attempts to overtake her niece’s life and it makes me sad that no
one in Donald’s family will call her on her shit. Because of past experience I don’t deal with
most of the drama that happens regularly in Donald’s family. I pretty much just stay as far away from the
Sideline Narcissist as possible and educate my kiddos on what are healthy
emotional behaviors and those which aren’t.
So the
holidays are over (Huzzah) but Winter
hasn’t left yet and my stupid Seasonal Affective Disorder is in full
swing. Thankfully the depression isn’t
as bad as it was last year…it’s the being tired that’s killing me this
year. That and the nerve pain that
flares up every Winter. Also, the
Sideline Narcissist is making plans to come out in February. In my beleaguered state I’m seriously
considering getting a hotel room the weekend she’s coming out and giving myself
a mini-holiday. It’ll piss Donald off
but I’m finding more and more that I just don’t care.
On a good
note I’m reading a great book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron
which is giving great insight on so many levels. It was less than $10 when I purchased it
through Amazon, so definitely worth the money.
Also, I’m getting quite a bit of writing accomplished. So good stuff. Gotta remember the good stuff when the SAD
kicks in and all I want to do is sleep.
Friday, August 8, 2014
All the things
Many many things are going on in the weird little world that is my life. I've begun the first class towards a second master's degree that I don't really want, but I DO want the job I can get with it. In about 3 weeks Bess is beginning 6th grade, Lightning is going into 1st grade, & Dare will be in kindergarten. The house we own in New Mexico has been empty sine January 31st, so coming up with an extra $600 a month is JUST A LITTLE BIT STRESSFUL.
On a completely different subject I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of months back. My mother in law (otherwise known as the bane of my marriage, and the borg queen) had requested to come out & pick up the kids & take them to her house (10 hours away) for two weeks. And she also wanted to come back out & get them a second time. Cuz a 10 hour trip is no big deal to her, but 2 out of the 3 kids get car sick and this seems to mean nothing to her. Anyhow, this all came about after I emailed extended family members to let them know we wouldn't be journeying to KY this summer for budgetary reasons (see above note about stress.) After blinking a couple of times at my husband's recitation of his mother's wishes, I told him that she wasn't physically capable of caring for all 3 kids by herself for two weeks. Or even 1 week being that she was 10 hours away & had no access to their medical care since it's through TRICARE & you have to be a military sponsor to access it. Surprisingly, he agreed with me. However....he was unable to actually TELL his madre that he didn't think she could care for the kids without anyone else's help. I spent about 2 months being flat out pissed off at him. Because these are his kids and he should be putting their health and well-being first. Then I got tired of being pissed off all the time. So I sat back and had a mental conversation with myself about my husband and his dysfunctional relationship with his mother. It went kind of like this:
Okay self, I'm tired of being angry. What other ways do I have to think about this? Well...I do have all that fancy counseling knowledge I could pull from. So...if I had some random dude come in off the street who was having a similar issue what would I tell him? There's always the reframe method....instead of thinking that the dude won't talk to his mother, we frame it as he can't talk to his mother. He just never learned how to and was conditioned for years to never question his parental unit. So...how do you work with that?
And that reframe helped me to not be so damn angry. I began to suggest different things that the husband might use to address this issue. While he didn't really use any of them, it helped me to feel more productive and less apt to bean him upside the head. After talking to his brother (who in true dysfunctional family form didn't think there would be any problem with the 60 something grandmother who has a heart condition looking after 3 very active children for 2 weeks all by herself) the husband finally had a phone conversation with his mother. He had procrastinated as long as he was allowed to. We had agreed on a deadline he had to talk to her by or she didn't get the kids. I have no idea what he actually said to her, but she firmly disagreed with his concern for her ability to take care of the kids and never acknowledged there was a real cause for concern.
So after all that (that particular problem was solved by having the husband go with the borg queen so the kids would survive the week with her) we had to deal with a lack of planning on his mother's part for the month of August. Everyone else who wanted to spend time with us had already contacted us. Not his mother. Cuz why would she want to ever do something like contact the people she was supposed to be visiting and let them know when she'd be out? NOBODY does that. :-/ So...after dealing with the latest debacle of finding out she'll be staying at my home in 1.5 weeks cuz she can't afford a hotel, I made a suggestion. Deadlines work well for the son, so I suggested we use them with the mother. If she wants to come and visit us, she needs to let us know by the deadline we provide. Or she doesn't get to visit. Cuz I'm tired of waiting to see what she's going to do instead of just making normal plans to do things with my family. And it's stressful waiting on her decision. So that's the plan from this point forward. It'll be interesting to see how the follow through goes.
I'll be taking our 11 year old cat Rowan to the vet tonight. The irony of taking a possibly ailing feline to emergency vet services on #nationalcatday does not escape me. I'm ready to get off the roller coaster for a bit...
On a completely different subject I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of months back. My mother in law (otherwise known as the bane of my marriage, and the borg queen) had requested to come out & pick up the kids & take them to her house (10 hours away) for two weeks. And she also wanted to come back out & get them a second time. Cuz a 10 hour trip is no big deal to her, but 2 out of the 3 kids get car sick and this seems to mean nothing to her. Anyhow, this all came about after I emailed extended family members to let them know we wouldn't be journeying to KY this summer for budgetary reasons (see above note about stress.) After blinking a couple of times at my husband's recitation of his mother's wishes, I told him that she wasn't physically capable of caring for all 3 kids by herself for two weeks. Or even 1 week being that she was 10 hours away & had no access to their medical care since it's through TRICARE & you have to be a military sponsor to access it. Surprisingly, he agreed with me. However....he was unable to actually TELL his madre that he didn't think she could care for the kids without anyone else's help. I spent about 2 months being flat out pissed off at him. Because these are his kids and he should be putting their health and well-being first. Then I got tired of being pissed off all the time. So I sat back and had a mental conversation with myself about my husband and his dysfunctional relationship with his mother. It went kind of like this:
Okay self, I'm tired of being angry. What other ways do I have to think about this? Well...I do have all that fancy counseling knowledge I could pull from. So...if I had some random dude come in off the street who was having a similar issue what would I tell him? There's always the reframe method....instead of thinking that the dude won't talk to his mother, we frame it as he can't talk to his mother. He just never learned how to and was conditioned for years to never question his parental unit. So...how do you work with that?
And that reframe helped me to not be so damn angry. I began to suggest different things that the husband might use to address this issue. While he didn't really use any of them, it helped me to feel more productive and less apt to bean him upside the head. After talking to his brother (who in true dysfunctional family form didn't think there would be any problem with the 60 something grandmother who has a heart condition looking after 3 very active children for 2 weeks all by herself) the husband finally had a phone conversation with his mother. He had procrastinated as long as he was allowed to. We had agreed on a deadline he had to talk to her by or she didn't get the kids. I have no idea what he actually said to her, but she firmly disagreed with his concern for her ability to take care of the kids and never acknowledged there was a real cause for concern.
So after all that (that particular problem was solved by having the husband go with the borg queen so the kids would survive the week with her) we had to deal with a lack of planning on his mother's part for the month of August. Everyone else who wanted to spend time with us had already contacted us. Not his mother. Cuz why would she want to ever do something like contact the people she was supposed to be visiting and let them know when she'd be out? NOBODY does that. :-/ So...after dealing with the latest debacle of finding out she'll be staying at my home in 1.5 weeks cuz she can't afford a hotel, I made a suggestion. Deadlines work well for the son, so I suggested we use them with the mother. If she wants to come and visit us, she needs to let us know by the deadline we provide. Or she doesn't get to visit. Cuz I'm tired of waiting to see what she's going to do instead of just making normal plans to do things with my family. And it's stressful waiting on her decision. So that's the plan from this point forward. It'll be interesting to see how the follow through goes.
I'll be taking our 11 year old cat Rowan to the vet tonight. The irony of taking a possibly ailing feline to emergency vet services on #nationalcatday does not escape me. I'm ready to get off the roller coaster for a bit...
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Updates & such
So many things have been constantly cropping up since the Summer that my poor little blog has been severely neglected. But because so many things were happening and I was so stressed out, a step back was needed & helped immensely. I have also cut WAY back on my Facebook time (I'm down to maybe 5 minutes a day) as well as took FB off my phone. There was just too much drama from too many people so the downtime from FB & my blog was definitely needed.
On to the updates :-) Lightning is allergic to dust mites & is now on medication targeted specifically for that allergy. He may also be asthmatic, but the allergist needs to look into that more before trying a new asthma inhaler with him. It's also increased my home work load as I'm having to launder his bedding every week now rather than every other week. We're working on getting a dust mite pillow slipcover & mattress slipcover to help the rest along, but it's got to fit into the budget, and right now it doesn't.
Dare and Bess are both doing very well and enjoying school. The furballs (dog type: Luna & Twinkie, cat: Rowan) are showing their age, but still seem to be enjoying life. Twinkie has lost the bulk of her hearing, but can still see well enough. Both of the dogs have joint issues in the winter, so we've done what we can to ease that. I bought a couple of buckets so I can give them warm water baths on the warmer Winter days so they aren't miserable with cold water & we have non-stinky dogs. Rowan's in the best shape of the furballs, but she's also the youngest.
Donald is going overseas in January & will probably be back around June. It's going to throw a real wrench in getting anything done at the office, but it may actually help with the budget. We'll get family separation pay for each month he's gone & hopefully will get a discount on our Verizon bill since he'll be on military orders. It's going to be a crazy time, but we'll get through it.
Thanks so much to Zaira for tweeting me about the Jessie episode on Narcissism. I'd been looking for a way to start talking to the kids about Narcissism in general so they had some clue what it was, and this was a great platform to begin with. It was very kid oriented and I was able to not mention the N at all in reference to the show...it was more "what would you do if someone made you feel like Bertram's mother made him feel?" So informative to see the kids' reactions, too. Bess is going to be eleven in January and she's turning out to be just as curious as I am. She's beginning to ask more questions about why Grandma doesn't like me & why I don't like spending time with Grandma. It leaves me walking a very fine line between being honest with my daughter & demonizing her Grandmother, but I'm trying very hard to let her make up her own mind. It's not easy, but I think it's the best thing I can do for all of my kiddos.
In other NPD news, Donald & I have come to a much needed understanding. I realized one of my biggest gripes is that he never EVER discusses the issues he has with his mother with the kids. In my mind this leaves them wide open to not know how to deal with the manipulation and emotional abuse. So I talked to Donald about how he needs to talk to the kids about what to do if someone (not specifically Grandma, because he's not ready for that yet) makes them feel bad or hurts their feelings so the other person can feel better about how they see themself. He agreed that he needed to start doing that, so now we're BOTH in our own ways talking to the kids about how to care for themselves. That's pretty freaking awesome :-)
On to the updates :-) Lightning is allergic to dust mites & is now on medication targeted specifically for that allergy. He may also be asthmatic, but the allergist needs to look into that more before trying a new asthma inhaler with him. It's also increased my home work load as I'm having to launder his bedding every week now rather than every other week. We're working on getting a dust mite pillow slipcover & mattress slipcover to help the rest along, but it's got to fit into the budget, and right now it doesn't.
Dare and Bess are both doing very well and enjoying school. The furballs (dog type: Luna & Twinkie, cat: Rowan) are showing their age, but still seem to be enjoying life. Twinkie has lost the bulk of her hearing, but can still see well enough. Both of the dogs have joint issues in the winter, so we've done what we can to ease that. I bought a couple of buckets so I can give them warm water baths on the warmer Winter days so they aren't miserable with cold water & we have non-stinky dogs. Rowan's in the best shape of the furballs, but she's also the youngest.
Donald is going overseas in January & will probably be back around June. It's going to throw a real wrench in getting anything done at the office, but it may actually help with the budget. We'll get family separation pay for each month he's gone & hopefully will get a discount on our Verizon bill since he'll be on military orders. It's going to be a crazy time, but we'll get through it.
Thanks so much to Zaira for tweeting me about the Jessie episode on Narcissism. I'd been looking for a way to start talking to the kids about Narcissism in general so they had some clue what it was, and this was a great platform to begin with. It was very kid oriented and I was able to not mention the N at all in reference to the show...it was more "what would you do if someone made you feel like Bertram's mother made him feel?" So informative to see the kids' reactions, too. Bess is going to be eleven in January and she's turning out to be just as curious as I am. She's beginning to ask more questions about why Grandma doesn't like me & why I don't like spending time with Grandma. It leaves me walking a very fine line between being honest with my daughter & demonizing her Grandmother, but I'm trying very hard to let her make up her own mind. It's not easy, but I think it's the best thing I can do for all of my kiddos.
In other NPD news, Donald & I have come to a much needed understanding. I realized one of my biggest gripes is that he never EVER discusses the issues he has with his mother with the kids. In my mind this leaves them wide open to not know how to deal with the manipulation and emotional abuse. So I talked to Donald about how he needs to talk to the kids about what to do if someone (not specifically Grandma, because he's not ready for that yet) makes them feel bad or hurts their feelings so the other person can feel better about how they see themself. He agreed that he needed to start doing that, so now we're BOTH in our own ways talking to the kids about how to care for themselves. That's pretty freaking awesome :-)
Friday, May 17, 2013
The Suckage of being a Responsible Adult
I've been doing the on/again off/again thing with my blog. This has been a very trying year so far in that I'm so very, VERY tired of constantly having to explain to Donald why he needs to continue to work on his boundaries with his mother. It really feels like I'm living in the office all the freaking time. If I'd wanted to be a counselor 24/7 I'd have gone into mental health rather than marriage & family and looked for an inpatient psychiatric ward. Ugh. Not loving it. At All.
Anyhow, the fabulous Jesse Blayne wrote another of her very insightful blog posts In Good Company which made all kinds of light bulbs go off in my head. Donald does not discuss his frustration with his mother to the kids. EVER. Now, I'm actually fine with him not talking about what bothers him about what she says/does/breathes around him. What I'm not fine with is that it has never occurred to him to discuss with the kids (or let them discuss) things the MIL has done that bothered them. Every single visit with the MIL leads to the boys getting upset in some fashion because of her obvious favoritism of Bess. Has he ever talked to them about this? No...but that shouldn't really surprise me because he (unlike the INFJ that I am) doesn't ever see patterns and apply them to his own life. (Getting off that tangent & going back to the current one...)
So guess what I'm going to start doing? I'm going to start encouraging the kids to talk about anything that bothers them about the MIL. Because they deserve to be listened to and to be able to reason things out in their own ways. (This is something Donald was never allowed as a child so it's a very foreign concept for him.)
Also (this is where the title of the post comes in) had an interesting conversation with Bess about the MIL regarding a nickname the MIL had created for Lightning during a visit at her home. Lightning apparently was reminding her of her youngest son (who she buts heads with all the time) and so she created the nickname of Gumpy Pants #2 for him & thought it was hilarious. Because neither I nor Donald was there, Lightning was called this oh so charming name for over a week. After the kids got home Lightning let me know he didn't like the name. I talked to Bess about it today and asked her what she thought about it. Bess said that MIL couldn't have meant anything mean by it because she loved her grand kids and tried not to be mean to them. (Did you catch that - tried NOT to be mean to them.) So we talked about how making up nicknames that make fun of people aren't very nice and that it wasn't very nice of MIL to make up that name for Lightning. Yay, right? Until I realized the same principle applied to my nickname of Borg Queen for the MIL :-/ Which kind of sucked. A Lot. *sigh* So in order to set the good example (even though my kids don't read this, let alone KNOW I have a blog) I'm going to refer to my MIL as either MIL or the N (narcissist for those who don't know) and leave off with Borg Queen. (At least on the blog...probably not in my head.)
Anyhow, the fabulous Jesse Blayne wrote another of her very insightful blog posts In Good Company which made all kinds of light bulbs go off in my head. Donald does not discuss his frustration with his mother to the kids. EVER. Now, I'm actually fine with him not talking about what bothers him about what she says/does/breathes around him. What I'm not fine with is that it has never occurred to him to discuss with the kids (or let them discuss) things the MIL has done that bothered them. Every single visit with the MIL leads to the boys getting upset in some fashion because of her obvious favoritism of Bess. Has he ever talked to them about this? No...but that shouldn't really surprise me because he (unlike the INFJ that I am) doesn't ever see patterns and apply them to his own life. (Getting off that tangent & going back to the current one...)
So guess what I'm going to start doing? I'm going to start encouraging the kids to talk about anything that bothers them about the MIL. Because they deserve to be listened to and to be able to reason things out in their own ways. (This is something Donald was never allowed as a child so it's a very foreign concept for him.)
Also (this is where the title of the post comes in) had an interesting conversation with Bess about the MIL regarding a nickname the MIL had created for Lightning during a visit at her home. Lightning apparently was reminding her of her youngest son (who she buts heads with all the time) and so she created the nickname of Gumpy Pants #2 for him & thought it was hilarious. Because neither I nor Donald was there, Lightning was called this oh so charming name for over a week. After the kids got home Lightning let me know he didn't like the name. I talked to Bess about it today and asked her what she thought about it. Bess said that MIL couldn't have meant anything mean by it because she loved her grand kids and tried not to be mean to them. (Did you catch that - tried NOT to be mean to them.) So we talked about how making up nicknames that make fun of people aren't very nice and that it wasn't very nice of MIL to make up that name for Lightning. Yay, right? Until I realized the same principle applied to my nickname of Borg Queen for the MIL :-/ Which kind of sucked. A Lot. *sigh* So in order to set the good example (even though my kids don't read this, let alone KNOW I have a blog) I'm going to refer to my MIL as either MIL or the N (narcissist for those who don't know) and leave off with Borg Queen. (At least on the blog...probably not in my head.)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
SO the drama
This post will chronicle the recent events which transpired between the Borg Queen (my NPD MIL) and my family during the kids' Spring Break from school. It will be edited at least three times before posting (trying really hard to keep the grammar issues down) and will hopefully be at least a little bit funny. The title I completely stole from a 2 parter of Kim Possible because it was very appropriate.
Donald had previously ended his counseling prior to this visit as both he and his counselor thought he had accomplished what was needed and he was good to go. That assumption has been usurped by Donald's complete and utter inability to keep any type of self-care going while the BQ was in the same city. The BQ left today and Donald is going to see his counselor in the morning. Thank the Gods.
We didn't realize when plans were made for the BQ to come out during the first part of Spring break that it was also going to be Easter weekend. Even though we're not Christian, we still celebrate the holiday of the Bunny & the candy as well as have an egg hunt because we live in the United States. It's kind of a thing here. Anyhow...I believe it was the first day of the BQ's arrival that she announced her intention to dye eggs. The BQ is no longer allowed to boil eggs in our home because she damn near burned our home down several years ago leaving eggs boiling in a pan for 5 hours. (No I'm not kidding. This actually happened. I have pictures.) So after announcing her intentions she informs Donald we will need another 2 dozen eggs. Yeah. Not happening because it was GROSS outside & we weren't doing an egg hunt in that shit. So I compromised with Donald by telling him I'd get 1 dozen white eggs & we'd dye them & 6 brown eggs. The kids could then use those & some filled plastic eggs for a small indoor egg hunt then we'd do another egg hunt later in the week outside when it wasn't gross. An accord was met and all was good in the kingdom. Until it wasn't. Because while Donald assumed we'd be using regular old egg dye from the store, the BQ had brought this special egg dye she keeps in jars from her house. This shit apparently stains everything. Remember that self-care thing I mentioned before? The resulting mess involved Donald bowing and scraping to his mother while trying to keep the kitchen table from being stained and completely forgetting he was supposed to feed himself lunch. I was upstairs during this debacle because I've made it very clear to Donald that it's in our marriage's best interest (and my sanity) for me to spend as little time with the BQ as possible.
Later the same afternoon Donald decides he needs to vent to someone about the problems he's having with his mother. He chose me (wasn't I the lucky one) as his receiver and proceeded to rant about what she was doing that was driving him mad. I pointed out that him venting to me was a bad idea because I wanted to strangle the woman before he stared and this just gives me more impetus to strangle her. I then pointed out how his self-care was sucking and told him to go back to his counselor. He wanted me to craft him a self-care guide on how to survive his mother. After again pointing out that I wanted to strangle her (I really shouldn't have had to mention this more than once) I told him that was something to talk to his counselor about. Then he ate. All was well once more.
Other fun anecdotes that occurred during this most recent visit was the BQ talking about the stress of her work situation and how one particular colleague was so toxic (her words, not mine.) I had to get up and leave at that point as it was a struggle not to burst out laughing at the irony of the situation.
One last thing I must mention that damn near resulted in the strangulation of said Borg Queen was when she called Donald to come get Lightning because the child had gotten sick. My general rule with the kids is you don't take them with you if you can't/won't take care of them. I get that he threw up, but that little boy cried for 30 minutes after he got back to our house because he wanted to go back to Grandma's hotel. 30 fucking minutes. He passed out after that. From now on the BQ isn't going to get to decide who she wants to take, she's going to get the choice to take Bess one night, and the two boys with one parent the next night. Because all three of my kids deserve love and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the BQ (who is obsessed with Bess & sees her as the daughter she never had) hurt my boys because they're not girls.
We always have the day after effect that to me feels like recovery from a hurricane after the BQ departs. That's where we are now and I'm hoping the remainder of Spring Break isn't as draining as the first part was.
Donald had previously ended his counseling prior to this visit as both he and his counselor thought he had accomplished what was needed and he was good to go. That assumption has been usurped by Donald's complete and utter inability to keep any type of self-care going while the BQ was in the same city. The BQ left today and Donald is going to see his counselor in the morning. Thank the Gods.
We didn't realize when plans were made for the BQ to come out during the first part of Spring break that it was also going to be Easter weekend. Even though we're not Christian, we still celebrate the holiday of the Bunny & the candy as well as have an egg hunt because we live in the United States. It's kind of a thing here. Anyhow...I believe it was the first day of the BQ's arrival that she announced her intention to dye eggs. The BQ is no longer allowed to boil eggs in our home because she damn near burned our home down several years ago leaving eggs boiling in a pan for 5 hours. (No I'm not kidding. This actually happened. I have pictures.) So after announcing her intentions she informs Donald we will need another 2 dozen eggs. Yeah. Not happening because it was GROSS outside & we weren't doing an egg hunt in that shit. So I compromised with Donald by telling him I'd get 1 dozen white eggs & we'd dye them & 6 brown eggs. The kids could then use those & some filled plastic eggs for a small indoor egg hunt then we'd do another egg hunt later in the week outside when it wasn't gross. An accord was met and all was good in the kingdom. Until it wasn't. Because while Donald assumed we'd be using regular old egg dye from the store, the BQ had brought this special egg dye she keeps in jars from her house. This shit apparently stains everything. Remember that self-care thing I mentioned before? The resulting mess involved Donald bowing and scraping to his mother while trying to keep the kitchen table from being stained and completely forgetting he was supposed to feed himself lunch. I was upstairs during this debacle because I've made it very clear to Donald that it's in our marriage's best interest (and my sanity) for me to spend as little time with the BQ as possible.
Later the same afternoon Donald decides he needs to vent to someone about the problems he's having with his mother. He chose me (wasn't I the lucky one) as his receiver and proceeded to rant about what she was doing that was driving him mad. I pointed out that him venting to me was a bad idea because I wanted to strangle the woman before he stared and this just gives me more impetus to strangle her. I then pointed out how his self-care was sucking and told him to go back to his counselor. He wanted me to craft him a self-care guide on how to survive his mother. After again pointing out that I wanted to strangle her (I really shouldn't have had to mention this more than once) I told him that was something to talk to his counselor about. Then he ate. All was well once more.
Other fun anecdotes that occurred during this most recent visit was the BQ talking about the stress of her work situation and how one particular colleague was so toxic (her words, not mine.) I had to get up and leave at that point as it was a struggle not to burst out laughing at the irony of the situation.
One last thing I must mention that damn near resulted in the strangulation of said Borg Queen was when she called Donald to come get Lightning because the child had gotten sick. My general rule with the kids is you don't take them with you if you can't/won't take care of them. I get that he threw up, but that little boy cried for 30 minutes after he got back to our house because he wanted to go back to Grandma's hotel. 30 fucking minutes. He passed out after that. From now on the BQ isn't going to get to decide who she wants to take, she's going to get the choice to take Bess one night, and the two boys with one parent the next night. Because all three of my kids deserve love and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the BQ (who is obsessed with Bess & sees her as the daughter she never had) hurt my boys because they're not girls.
We always have the day after effect that to me feels like recovery from a hurricane after the BQ departs. That's where we are now and I'm hoping the remainder of Spring Break isn't as draining as the first part was.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Light at the end of a Very Long Tunnel
Our holiday experience with the BQ and the resulting fallout with Donald and I had me fairly depressed. I've been in a funk for about the last month because of Winter, and bills we can't pay, and lack of employment on my part. It's just been gloomy and dark and quite honestly I wasn't sure if I could stay in my marriage for another holiday. Then something amazing happened.
It was a small thing, really. But when you're dealing with NPD in a very dysfunctional family, you'll take the happy when it comes. Donald and I had been talking about the BQ's demand to see the kids over Spring break. (I saw demand because it's never asked or requested. It's in the form of "I want the kids over Spring Break.) Donald is still of the opinion that the kids should have the opportunity to spend time with the BQ. I'm of the opinion they should stay as far away from her as possible. We try to compromise on that and have agreed that as the kids get older they can make their own choices on spending time with her. Anyhow, Donald is terrible about trying to make plans that are more than 30 days out. It frustrates him because he would like to be able to plan things in advance, but it never really works. So I volunteered to come up with what I thought was a reasonable plan for the BQ to see the kids over their Spring break from school. The idea was the BQ could come out and spend either the first half, or the second half of the kids' break with them and we would make our own plans for whichever half she didn't use. Donald agreed this was a good plan and said he'd call the BQ over the weekend. At this point (because Donald has been working on boundaries with his counselor) I pointed out that since we wanted the BQ to acknowledge both of us in dealing with kidlet matters that I could very easily just send her an email with the info. and CC him on it. He agreed and I sent the email out that afternoon.
A couple of days later he gets a text message from the BQ saying she'd accidentally deleted the text from me (I found that funny since I didn't send her a text) and wondered if he could just send her the info. again. He sat there and looked at his phone for about half a minute or so and then he just busts out with "NO. You can contact (oops I just realized I have no name for myself on here....we'll go with Callasyndra since that's my username) for that info."
I kid you not my jaw about hit the floor in shock and amazement. This was a VERY GOOD THING. I'd been waiting for something like this for 10 freaking years and it was finally happening. It was so wondrous I was afraid to move and interrupt whatever had magically just made my husband stand up to his mother. The he looked up from his phone and grinned at me saying "That felt kinda good."
Later that weekend he gets a phone call from the BQ where she again does her very best to just get him to divulge the sensitive Spring break info. over the phone. He again tells her she needs to go through me because he's terrible at planning. After he gets off the phone with her he says "That's the 2nd time she tried to circumvent you." I told him it'd been going on for 10 years, it's just that he was seeing it now. Apparently counseling has been very good for him.
Long story short the BQ sent me an email where she correctly provided the dates I had given her in the supposedly deleted email and stated which ones she would prefer. The next time Donald spoke to her over the phone he informed her that she needed to quit using him as a middle man to avoid me. I'm sure she was less than thrilled, but it felt like my husband was waking up from a spell that had been holding him all these years. Patience may yet win out in the end!
It was a small thing, really. But when you're dealing with NPD in a very dysfunctional family, you'll take the happy when it comes. Donald and I had been talking about the BQ's demand to see the kids over Spring break. (I saw demand because it's never asked or requested. It's in the form of "I want the kids over Spring Break.) Donald is still of the opinion that the kids should have the opportunity to spend time with the BQ. I'm of the opinion they should stay as far away from her as possible. We try to compromise on that and have agreed that as the kids get older they can make their own choices on spending time with her. Anyhow, Donald is terrible about trying to make plans that are more than 30 days out. It frustrates him because he would like to be able to plan things in advance, but it never really works. So I volunteered to come up with what I thought was a reasonable plan for the BQ to see the kids over their Spring break from school. The idea was the BQ could come out and spend either the first half, or the second half of the kids' break with them and we would make our own plans for whichever half she didn't use. Donald agreed this was a good plan and said he'd call the BQ over the weekend. At this point (because Donald has been working on boundaries with his counselor) I pointed out that since we wanted the BQ to acknowledge both of us in dealing with kidlet matters that I could very easily just send her an email with the info. and CC him on it. He agreed and I sent the email out that afternoon.
A couple of days later he gets a text message from the BQ saying she'd accidentally deleted the text from me (I found that funny since I didn't send her a text) and wondered if he could just send her the info. again. He sat there and looked at his phone for about half a minute or so and then he just busts out with "NO. You can contact (oops I just realized I have no name for myself on here....we'll go with Callasyndra since that's my username) for that info."
I kid you not my jaw about hit the floor in shock and amazement. This was a VERY GOOD THING. I'd been waiting for something like this for 10 freaking years and it was finally happening. It was so wondrous I was afraid to move and interrupt whatever had magically just made my husband stand up to his mother. The he looked up from his phone and grinned at me saying "That felt kinda good."
Later that weekend he gets a phone call from the BQ where she again does her very best to just get him to divulge the sensitive Spring break info. over the phone. He again tells her she needs to go through me because he's terrible at planning. After he gets off the phone with her he says "That's the 2nd time she tried to circumvent you." I told him it'd been going on for 10 years, it's just that he was seeing it now. Apparently counseling has been very good for him.
Long story short the BQ sent me an email where she correctly provided the dates I had given her in the supposedly deleted email and stated which ones she would prefer. The next time Donald spoke to her over the phone he informed her that she needed to quit using him as a middle man to avoid me. I'm sure she was less than thrilled, but it felt like my husband was waking up from a spell that had been holding him all these years. Patience may yet win out in the end!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Dealing with the Holidays
I think enough time has passed now that I can write about my holiday experience this year. I'm going to preface this by saying I was finishing up my master's degree (which meant unpaid hours for internship & LOADS of paperwork at the end) as well as doing all the normal holiday crap that drives me batty (baking cookies, designing Holiday cards, addressing & mailing Holiday cards, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, mailing packages, & not sleeping enough.) So it's not an exaggeration to say my stress level was maxxed out, my SAD was thoroughly ingrained, and I was pretty miserable overall.
Donald has been doing a great job with his counselor on trying to understand how growing up in a dysfunctional family affected him. He even did a homework assignment to figure out what boundaries he wanted to set for the Borg Queen while she was out. With all this positive stuff going on I thought surely the visit couldn't be terrible. Yeah. That was a mistake.
When the BQ got here Donald was at work during the daytime for the first couple of days. Not that big a deal really because BQ took the kidlets with her to her hotel room. We did the normal talking just long enough to make it look like we didn't despise each other and I mentioned to BQ that we would really appreciate it if she could watch the kids for the afternoon of the next day so Donald & I could actually have a date. She said that would be fine. That night I reminded Donald that he had wanted me to talk to his mother about the date thing for the next day. Everything should have been fine. However, in dysfunctional families old habits are hard to break. VERY hard to break.
The next day Donald comes downstairs (he was still working nights during all this, so he slept later in the morning than I did) and sees the BQ is already here. So he walks up to her and says "What are our plans today?" I was in the kitchen & at first thought he was talking to me. Then it hit me that he was asking his mother. This is when I started seeing red. It got worse when she replied "Oh I'd like to take the kids to get pictures with Santa." (It was a week before Christmas, so this was going to be an all day thing.) So...apparently the conversations I'd had with the both of them had never happened. Only...they did. But as in the past, any plans I made with Donald got put on the back burner so he could make his mother happy.
I went upstairs to get away from them (mainly because I didn't want to have an argument with Donald in front of the kids) and a few minutes later Donald comes upstairs. He's completely oblivious and asks if I'm ready to go. When I informed him I wasn't going with them because we had previous plans that just got cancelled he got the "deer in the headlights" look. Then he tried to make it my fault. "You want mom to have to take all 3 kids by herself to get pictures with Santa?" he demands in an outraged voice. "Nope", I replied, "you should definitely go with your mother. I'm going to spend some me time today since our plans got derailed." He walked off in a huff after that.
About 20 minutes later he calls and asks if we can still do our date later that day. His mother volunteered to take the kids to a movie so we could have some alone time together. I agreed and we did go out later that day and had a fairly good time. So date day wasn't a total disaster, but Donald never followed through with anything he had talked to his counselor about the entire time the BQ was out. It's like watching an addict relapse and it's heartbreaking to see.
We shall see what the future holds. I've talked to Donald about how he can't follow through with his mother and he may be beginning to see what I'm talking about. But I also don't want to deal with this for another ten or even another five years. The holidays are stressful enough without the added addition of the Borg Queen.
Donald has been doing a great job with his counselor on trying to understand how growing up in a dysfunctional family affected him. He even did a homework assignment to figure out what boundaries he wanted to set for the Borg Queen while she was out. With all this positive stuff going on I thought surely the visit couldn't be terrible. Yeah. That was a mistake.
When the BQ got here Donald was at work during the daytime for the first couple of days. Not that big a deal really because BQ took the kidlets with her to her hotel room. We did the normal talking just long enough to make it look like we didn't despise each other and I mentioned to BQ that we would really appreciate it if she could watch the kids for the afternoon of the next day so Donald & I could actually have a date. She said that would be fine. That night I reminded Donald that he had wanted me to talk to his mother about the date thing for the next day. Everything should have been fine. However, in dysfunctional families old habits are hard to break. VERY hard to break.
The next day Donald comes downstairs (he was still working nights during all this, so he slept later in the morning than I did) and sees the BQ is already here. So he walks up to her and says "What are our plans today?" I was in the kitchen & at first thought he was talking to me. Then it hit me that he was asking his mother. This is when I started seeing red. It got worse when she replied "Oh I'd like to take the kids to get pictures with Santa." (It was a week before Christmas, so this was going to be an all day thing.) So...apparently the conversations I'd had with the both of them had never happened. Only...they did. But as in the past, any plans I made with Donald got put on the back burner so he could make his mother happy.
I went upstairs to get away from them (mainly because I didn't want to have an argument with Donald in front of the kids) and a few minutes later Donald comes upstairs. He's completely oblivious and asks if I'm ready to go. When I informed him I wasn't going with them because we had previous plans that just got cancelled he got the "deer in the headlights" look. Then he tried to make it my fault. "You want mom to have to take all 3 kids by herself to get pictures with Santa?" he demands in an outraged voice. "Nope", I replied, "you should definitely go with your mother. I'm going to spend some me time today since our plans got derailed." He walked off in a huff after that.
About 20 minutes later he calls and asks if we can still do our date later that day. His mother volunteered to take the kids to a movie so we could have some alone time together. I agreed and we did go out later that day and had a fairly good time. So date day wasn't a total disaster, but Donald never followed through with anything he had talked to his counselor about the entire time the BQ was out. It's like watching an addict relapse and it's heartbreaking to see.
We shall see what the future holds. I've talked to Donald about how he can't follow through with his mother and he may be beginning to see what I'm talking about. But I also don't want to deal with this for another ten or even another five years. The holidays are stressful enough without the added addition of the Borg Queen.
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