Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Just Keep Swimming

I debated on writing this entry.  But because I've been depressed, stressed out, and generally not my happy self lately I thought it would help to get it out.  And just the decision to write this did help, so here goes:

I can see the end of my marriage.  I've fought for this marriage for 10 + years and it is just not going to make it.  Mainly because there are three people in this marriage - myself, my husband, and his mother.  Yep, I married a momma's boy.  Now, to be fair, he has improved somewhat since we married.  But not enough to be able to recognize and accept that his mother is much more mentally and physically ill than he thinks.  And since he is incapable of  that realization he can't protect his children (our children) from that aspect of his mother.  Now, it would be different if I were the only person who recognized this problem with his mother.  But I'm not.  Many mutual friends also see the problems that he cannot.  Two close friends share the same concerns I have for my children.  I really haven't talked to many people about this much because of the obvious marriage crisis.  

Anyhow, our oldest child is 8 years old.  I've been trying to help my husband deal with the issues he has with his mother for 8 years.  After he sat and told me he doesn't think there's really anything wrong with his mother, it became glaringly, horribly obvious that I couldn't do anymore to help him.  

So now I'm doing damage control.  Because I have no income of my own.  Because if I say anything to him now I have to choose between finishing my master's degree (which requires 9  months of unpaid fieldwork) or getting a job now & perhaps never finishing that degree which I will have to pay for in six months.  And because last time his mother came between us, my husband tried to get sole custody of our then only child.  

I want this to go as smoothly as possible.  I want to protect my children and keep them from being hurt and pulled between parents.  I'm very afraid that things will get very ugly very quickly and there's not much I can do about it.

In the words of Dory from Finding Nemo....Just Keep Swimming.  Because right now that's all I can do.